Boring life stuff and Books within the Buffy Universe

I always have this urge to read my last post, how strange because it was only yesterday. Is it some kind of vanity? I wasn't going to write a blog post today but to hell with it, I've got a little time left.

Not feeling too good today which is a little odd because I felt kind of optimistic when I woke up this morning, while I was laying there before I got out of bed. However I did feel a bit unrest-ed, it's taken me way too much of my life to realise this happens when I go to bed any time after about 1am. Yeah 1pm sounds late anyway but that's fairly early for me. It seems that it doesn't matter if I stay in bed an extra hour if I go to sleep at about 2am, I still feel tired.

Feeling a bit crap today is also a bit odd because I've been in quite a good mood for quite some time now, possibly about a month or more. I've been happy with my progress with things but today, thinking about my goals makes me feel like they're incredible far away. Some of the "self-help" and philosophy stuff I watch say you should have goals but don't actually focus on them; focus on small hurdles instead. So generally I've been happy with small steps of progress but today it's all feeling a bit pointless.

Reason being? Well I'm getting that nagging sensation again that I'm focusing on the wrong things in life. Should I be out there interesting with people more? I feel lonely, I'm on my own all the time. Yeah, we're still kinda in lock-down, but there's a LOT of people out there doing things. The things I'm studying are supposed to lead to work, but all the studying is alone. I've had some drive lately but it's hard to keep that up all the time when there's no one around to help me or to teach me. We can learn a lot of things on our own instead but there's this annoying human thing we can't get rid of called emotion. Our emotions are probably simply connected to our old survival and reproduction instincts, sadly, but we can't get rid of them and we'd be soulless robots without them.

That actually makes me wonder why we bother to do thing.

And then THAT last sentence makes me realise all I'm doing is having anxiety over the ultimate question us humans always ask - What is the meaning of life? The one that everyone wonders about and struggles with, so I shouldn't bother with it right now.

BUFFY! God, anyone reading this will think I'm obsessed. I don't remember where I left off yesterday so I'll just randomly jump in.

I bought one of the first Buffy books online, it was about £3 including postage and it arrived fast. I've read a bit of it and it's not bad. I read a review of it online which said it was good so that's why I bought it. However I then checked the other "reviews" on the Buffy fan site and they were mostly very short and just basic summaries of the story. In fact that's giving them too much credit, they were more like "This is one where the Buffy gang are fighting ghosts" and that's about it.

Looking at other Buffy books online, looks like they're all cheap and most of them have pretty crap covers. The cover for this one is pretty good though, probably because is a photo that was probably taken for the book itself. Most of the others later on look like just screenshots from the show or the kind of promo photos they take on set while they're shooting.

Oh yeah, I should actually say what it's called - Halloween Rain. It's not the first book set in the Buffy universe but it's the first that takes place within the timeline of the TV series. I'm quite obsessed with consuming all media in chronological order but the earlier books didn't sound interesting to me. They're all set hundreds of years before and are about all the old vampire characters. Angel, Spike, Drusilla, etc. I really like these characters and even though coincidentally the episodes I've been watching have had flashbacks lately, I'm not interested in them when they aren't interacting with the main characters like Buffy, Xander, etc.

The flashbacks in the show are short anyway and often have some kind of thematic connection to the story that's happening in the present. I somehow doubt the books do that. Also, even though these old books are official, they aren't cannon. I assume they were at first when no one cared but then the TV shows went on for quite some time so canonical issues started to pop up - They aren't written by the shows writers, you see. Of course they aren't. However they naturally take place within certain seasons, the one I've started on starts in season 1, unsurprisingly. The Wikipedia pages give nice details about the problems and the problem with this first book was obvious from the start of me reading it.

It's about Halloween and it was written insanely early, I think it says online that only a couple of episodes had aired while it was being written. So it's before the episode in-which it's established that Halloween is in fact a quite night for evil in the Buffyverse (yes it's actually called that). Again, a nic little clever idea from the show writers but the book writers couldn't have foreseen that, they went with the typical idea that Halloween is the best night for evil to do... evil stuff.

That one is not a big issue and I can easily live with it while reading because even though they say it's a quiet night in the show, you're seeing them saying this in a Halloween episode so of course something wacky is going to happen. In fact Halloween episodes are some of my favorites.

My half an hour time limit ran out seven minutes ago, that went incredible fast. I should just get a picture of that first book and put it on here and leave. Oh I forgot to say, the weirdly old looking Buffy photos I've used on here in old posts, it's clear to me now that they're from these books. I haven't come across the other books yet though. Also there's a version of the photo taken for Halloween Rain online which doesn't have the book title on it. They're clearly stages and unlike other photos, the characters are always looking at the camera, which feels weird because they ever do that in the show, of course.

Bye.

I thought I was on here the day before yesterday but looking back, it is revealed that my last post was four days ago already, it really doesn't feel like that is the case. I guess time isn't going slowly for me anymore, like it did at the start of the lock-down.

Can't believe I blabbered so much about the virus the other day, how lame and pedestrian of me. Well I guess it would only be interesting to me and seeing as I'm likely the only one to read it in the future, it's OK. I'm also definitely only going to write for half an hour this time, I went way over the other day.

I think said in my last post that I was going to write about how my frame of mind (and I guess life) has changed so much since lock-down, I don't think I'm going to bother now though, I can't be bothered. Basically I've been feeling pretty good, which is odd for me and makes me realise even more how utterly miserable I am most of the time. Or least, I usually am until lately. I won't go into my feelings at the moment but I will say more of what has changed literally in my physical world, I'll try to keep it short because I want to write about Buffy and I'm already feeling the half an hour tick by rapidly.

I don't think I was doing these things when I was writing on here in the early days of the lock-down; I have a notebook which I've been using to list what I should do each day. It is not rigid, it can evolve and it was/is a way to also keep track of how much time I was waiting. Also to see my habits more clearly. One doesn't always see what they're doing and how much time they're spending on said things all the time, until one writes them down. Or, I guess, if you recorded every second of your days like you're on a reality TV show like Big Brother. And yes I know is an old school reference to a show which was massive but is now virtually dead. I think it's still around but last time I heard, it's been relegated to a Freeview channel somewhere. Freeview also sounding very old fashioned to me now, too.

So yeah I do these lists and they've really helped. I've become more productive, I've been drawing, learning how to make music, learning how to make overlays for Streamlabs OBS and re-setting up everything to stream again. I did used to do it but I totally re-installed everyone on my PC about a month ago because it was getting kinda slow.

I also sorted out my messy email inbox, I give 30 minutes a day to keeping the flat tidy, I have a 1 minute power nap in the middle of the day and I commit 15 minutes a day to sorting out all my files which are on my PC and external hard drives. I think that last one will take forever at that pace but I feel it's a good idea not to give too much time to non-essential or non-learning things. Tidying files is slightly useful in the long run but it's not life threatening and one could live the rest of their life without having all their files neatly sorted and named properly.

I also only go on social media for 15 minutes a day although it's been more like half an hour a day for the past week, sometimes longer. That's not too bad though. I'm doing this because it genuinely stresses me out. I like talking to friends but, well, it's hard to explain. Just look up on YouTube why social media and smart phones are bad. I feel like some would think those videos are stupid but those issues they explain are so real for me that it's insane, and these problems started for me before I'd ever known others had similar issues.

Oh also I've been working out more, strangely, more than I used to when I went to the gym. Which is perhaps quite telling especially considering the fact that I was already quite happy with the amount of time I was spending at said gym. I think there's some other things I've been doing but I feel like moving on now, perhaps I'll talk about them another day.

One thing that hasn't changed much is me watching Buffy at night, it's my wind down time. I switch off my phone (which I rarely look at now anyway and I uninstalled Messenger again though not entirely to avoid Messenger - my phone is dying so can't handle Messenger anymore) and sit on the sofa in front of the biggest CRT I have. Yeah it's that one with the dodgy speaker but I've found out I don't even have to hit it often, it just comes on itself quite quickly. Also I feel like it goes oddly dark sometimes but it's fine, it's not bad. I mean we all never used to care that much about the differing qualities between CRT's back in the day.

I have so much to say but my alarm is deffo going to go off soon. I'm on season 5 of Buffy now so I'm quite a way through it, there's 7 seasons in all. I started watching Angel as well, according to the order of its and Buffy's original release - Season 1 of Angel started at the beginning of season 4 of Buffy, so I'm now on season 2 of Angel. I had a quick look online when I started Angel, looks like it was aired on TV on the same week as Buffy, Buffy going first. No wait, it may have actually been the same night each week with Angel airing after Buffy. I don't know if they kept that up but I'm probably going to follow that way until I've seen them all. In other words, I watch one episode of Angel after I've seen one episode of Buffy.

I have so much to say about these wonderful shows but my time is up and guess what, I'm going to watch some of them now. There's so many new or newish films and TV shows that I perhaps should watch instead, but no, I'm going to possible pull myself even further away from people now. What I mean by that is media is a good way to connect with others, it's a good thing to talk about, even can be a good ice breaker - "Hay, did you see the new ep of...". I've often struggled to find things to talk to people about but TV and film has helped me out a lot. But possibly no more, because I'm watching an ancient show. I'm sure a lot of people think of it as ancient, anyway. What give me a weird feeling is that season 5 of Buffy feels more modern than season 1 (of course) but even season 5 is... 20 years old!

Oh god.

I'm off, ciao.

It's been a while since I last posted, not nearly as long a gap as before, of course, it's only been two months, not eleven years! I'd forgotten that there was a gap that massive. Writing this, I only saw that it's been almost exactly two months, I'm only one day over!

Most of my more recent posts have been about the Covid-19, the Coronavirus, whatever you want to call it, and the TV show 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. I don't know why I had to say the 'the TV show', even if anyone else was reading this, they probably would have heard of it or had at least seen a little of my previous posts. I'm temped to go back and read all my posts before writing this one but it would be a waste of time at this point. As usual, life has changed so I haven't been writing here like I was almost every day before. I say it's changed but it's only been two months and things haven't changed much, actually. What I really mean is that my state of mind has changed a bit.

Random aside - I was already logged into Blogger when I came here to write this, that's a little scary considering I've completed wiped my PC and re-installed it since I last wrote on here. I only just noticed that... Blogger is owned by Google? I forgot this fact or never knew it, I guess it detected my account from Chrome but I'm still surprised because I didn't think I'd synced up my account with my Chrome install. Oh well.

And yes I have gone back to just writing whatever comes to mind without thinking it through. I mean, I don't think I've done anything other than that since I've returned to this blog but I vaguely recall saying or at least deciding that I'd take more time thinking about what I'm going to write.

I should get on with this and stop talking nonsense because I'm running out of time, I do want to write more often in this blog but I've only given myself half an hour today. I'll probably only give myself half an hour a day (not every day) to write on here because any more and it would feel like a waste of time. Writing on here isn't exactly important though it might be good at clearing my mind, now that I think about it (ironic, perhaps).

It's the 31st of May 2020 but I probably won't finish this today, I'll write the rest tomorrow and probably post it then. Actually, why? I may as well post this when the alarm goes off which is probably very soon. Probably won't have a picture and I probably won't get around to posting about Buffy, just like before. And yes, I'm still watching it.

Which reminds me, why am I still sometimes writing like anyone else is reading this? I guess someone may read it one day, could be a long time from now, though I honestly think there's a good chance that the only person reading this in the future will be myself. Even though it would possibly be a waste of time, I really can see myself reading these dumb posts when I'm far older. Actually, hopefully not because I think I'd have to be pretty depressed to re-visit these.

I had a quick look back at my older posts, the ones that were written after the eleven year gap, there are no comments, unsurprisingly. That doesn't mean no ones read them but come on, why would anyone read them? Unless I sent links to this to friends, I don't think anyone's even going to find this blog. I'm honestly not sure if I even want anyone to read it, I don't know how I feel about. Though if anyone DID read them in the future, myself included, it would definitely look like I'm lonely and I really want others to read and comment on these. I am lonely, especially since lock-down but like I've said before - These is a curtain feeling of solace and calmness from the thought that no one reads this stuff. I use the word 'calmness' in an attempt to describe the oppose of anxiety, which I experience when confronted with almost everything nowadays.

I'm surprised the alarm hasn't gone off yet! So I'll quickly try to write about what has changed since I last wrote on here. As I did mention changes at the start of this post (I just checked, I have three minutes). Well, lock-down is still in effect but some places will be allowed to open tomorrow on the 1st and then even more on the 15th, this is all in June of course. Some friends I've spoken to have said that things will be strict still even after the 15th but I honestly think that life will mostly feel normal again.

(The alarm has gone off but I'll finish my thoughts)

I say this because there's a difference between what they say on the news and what real life is actually like. Though this may be just from my point of view but I'm afraid that's all I can go off, as I can only see through my own eyes. I've been seeing a lot more people outside since summer properly hit us about a month ago, there's only so many months of warning and fear that the public can take, it starts to fall on deaf ears after a while. I'm not judging by the way, in case anyone else DOES read this, haha. Though what I'm about to say could still possibly be looked down upon.

I just don't care anymore. I don't think it's wrong or annoying if people break the rules and I don't care if people follow the rules strictly and take the virus very seriously. I don't think they're wrong either. It's just human nature, that's what people are going to do.

There are various different types of ways that people are reacting to the lock-down now and there's more than just two. One of the most interesting ones which I think most people don't think about is this - People who have fooled themselves that they are playing by the rules, that they are socially distancing and stuff. Yes, being two metres away from others will help, but now that people are going out, I see a lot of parts of Nottingham look almost as busy as it used to be. How much safer are you really if you're distancing but you're out all day around a hundred other people? And then these people clearly turned a blind eye to the twenty times a day they walk right next to someone because it would be a pain to get out of the way on a narrow pathway. Nottingham has a lot of narrow pathways by the way and people rarely bothered to get two metres away even at the start of lock-down, come to think of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm similar to these people apart from one fact - I'm not fooling myself. I get it, I really do, we want to go out and do more things and see more people. And they're luckier than me, I'm out alone almost all the time while they're out in big groups. What annoys me though is how no one talks about breaking the rules because they're afraid to be judged, even though most people are doing it. Or, like I said, what's even worse is the people fooling themselves into thinking you're fine. I find it funny at shops where there's a distanced line outside and inside at the checkouts, but everyone, including myself, are going around picking items up off the shelves just like they used to. Going right next to each other because we can't be bothered to wait 10 seconds for that dude to get away from the banana stand. Those 10 seconds feel like an eternity. Even after they put arrows on the floor to make people, I dunno, follow them while distancing like we're in some big maze, I've never seen a single person use them.

I guess what's going through peoples heads, maybe subconsciously is "I'm two metres away, but hay, if I just quickly grab that apple, I'll be 1cm away from that lady for only 1 second."

I guess that still helps, you're still further way from others for longer periods of time. But these thousands of products have been touched by others and how many thousands of people have breathed all over that can of beans before I picked it up and put it in my basket? That's why I quickly stopped wearing a mask to Tesco, it was like putting a little plaster on a gaping wound. There's so many variables that there's no point trying to keep track of them or doing one thing, while there's another hundred things giving you germs.

Oops, I probably wrote for almost an extra half an hour! Hopefully tomorrow I'll talk about how my mental state has changed since my last post two months ago. Also Buffy and Angle, which I'm sure are the least interesting things for anyone else to read about. Listen to me, still considering the idea that others read this, haha.

Buffy

I'm not too happy right now, isolation isn't good, of course, it's effecting my sleep and I'm losing track of the days. A took a night off watching Buffy, or was it two? Originally I was going to do more productive things but ended up doing nothing anyway.

Another one of the older looking photos I saw on Google Images, I gotta use these before I get too far into the series, as these images are clearly from the early days. This one might not be season 2 (which I just finished) because Cordelia is in it. She was in season 1 but wasn't a main character, I can't remember if she was in the intro... just checked and actually she was.

Barely Buffy

I'm currently listening to music while I write this, which I normally avoid because it distract me and changes my mood away from the mood of the topic I'm writing. I was comparing the three Street Fighter II soundtracks and I noticed on the list of soundtracks online that there was an arranged one for New Generation (that's the first version of SFIII). I put it on just now and was surprised to find that I have heard this before, a long time ago most likely before YouTube existed. It's a nostalgia hit though I can't remember when or where I would have listened to this, it was release on Jun 18, 1997 but I probably didn't hear it until awhile later. Bit of a coincidence that I've re-discovered it now, just after watching season 1 and 2 of Buffy which were 1997 and 1998. Then again I become more obsessed with the 90's with each year that passes, becoming more convinced that the world I live in now is shit, and that's even before the virus outbreak.

My love of the 1990's

Least, the 90's was the best decade for me, though it's odd saying that considering how awful my school years were, which were in that decade. Second favourite decade is the 2000's and to be fair, most of the best things happened to me in that decade, if I was trying to be objective. I of course choose not to think about the bad things that happened in the 90's of course, and those memories are more vague after years of not renewing them by not thinking about them. The 90's are easier to choose too because of the entertainment media it produced, re-visiting it through the ever so powerful internet reveals a huge amount. However the 2000's aren't far behind and I've gradually become more fond of the decade. The logical part of my brain does however tell me that loving the 90's is stupid, it's quite possible that's stupid to idolise anything in the past.

Why? Several reason's but one comes to mind - We experience life in the here and now, the present is, in a way, the only thing that exists. It could be argued that the past and the future don't exist and yes, I probably learnt that from the YouTube series 'Don't Hug Me I'm Scared'. So remembering and consuming things from the 90's isn't what the 90's were actually like (though it is at least an approximation) because one see's it as a whole even though all of those things in a 10 year span didn't happen at the same time. Things had happened by '92 but more things had happened by '98 but now when I look back, none of that matters. I guess it's a list, which decade has the longest list of things I liked? This is all fine of course as long as one doesn't take it too far, which I probably already have to be honest. Because the stupid part of my brain says hay, the time you're living in right now, it's crap compared to the 90's, but that's unfair because I'm comparing it to an entire decade.

Then again, what about the 2010's? They just finished and they seem have been pretty shit for me. Again though, it probably isn't fair for three reasons - One, that decade only JUST finished. Two, it hasn't been a long time so no nostalgia has kicked in and three, the 90's was my teen years. It's often said that your teens are the best part of your life and you can guess the reasons why without me listing them.

Back to Buffy, probably

This is a pattern, me thinking I'm going to write about Buffy and then going off on tangents, I quite liked this one though. It's 10pm though so I need to get on with this.

Xander and Cordelia

Like I said earlier I just recently finished season 2 and I was surprised how early Xander and Cordelia get into a relationship in the series. I can't remember exactly which episode but was an early season 2 one. By the way I accidentally saw a photo of the actor who portrays Xander, what he looks like now or at least a year ago. Maybe it was just the photo and angle but he looked so different, in fact he looked like a different person. I mentioned the other day that I don't want to see this actors like they are now, it upsets me, I don't exactly know why. Though it wouldn't bother me half as much if it was for a show or film that I wasn't currently re-watching.

Buffy and Angel

This also happened a lot earlier than I remembered and it was the focus of season 2, the show does pretend it's going to be about something else a couple of times though, trying to trick us which was clever. Like The Judge, it seemed like he was going to be a big deal but he ended up doing nothing. I wondered why I couldn't remember him and then he died quickly and that's why. By the way I've always thought David Boreanaz has an odd face, he's considered really attractive in the show but I don't see it. I feel bad saying that now, I mean he's not ugly but he doesn't strike me as traditionally attractive.

Also Angel turning evil (losing his soul) happened earlier than I remembered too, basically a lot of things in this show happened earlier than I remembered. I like how he's far more energetic and emotional when he is evil, maybe this was intentional because you'd expect it to be the other way around - Angel is pretty much human, besides vamp powers, when he has is soul, so you'd expect him to be more emotional. When he's evil without his soul, ironically he acts more alive.

Willow

I've been meaning to say this since season 1, I find some of Willows lines quite cringy, now I didn't even know the term until about 5 years ago and may have not even thought about the concept when this show was new. It's those lines which are connected to her being oh so innocent and inexperienced with things. I'm probably just being jaded anyway. She does get better in season 2, she said a line the other day that I actually found funny.

Xander's Valentines Day Episode

Wait, why am I thinking this was a Valentines Day episode? I can't remember why I wrote that in my notes. Anyway, it was a great episode.

Boxset Update

BTW I found a boxset on eBay for the enitre series for just £18, that's crazy. Didn't buy it though.

Twilight

I was interested in comparing Twilight's and Buffy's dates of creation because even though I think of Twilight as being a modern thing, I then remember where I was when I first heard of the book - I was in St. George's in Harrow... that was a LONG time ago. But yeah anyway, it's not that new but even Angel had finished its TV run before Twilight's first book came out in 2005. Only by one year though, Angel finished in 2004.

Buffy's crappy font in the intro

The show's title card, that one, I'm waiting for it to go from one of the worst fonts ever to one of the best. It's still so bad at the end of season 2, haha.

Spike in season 2

I already regret dissing him the other day, he's very good in season 2. He spends most of his time in a wheelchair, Angel turns evil and joins him, Spike is happy about this for just that first scene and then things change quickly. The dynamic is that Angel bully's him and jokes about getting intimate with Drusilla, this goes on for most of the season. You very quickly feel sorry for Spike. I think how he is treated in these scenes and how the actor brilliantly portrays it most likely lead to him becoming so popular. I wouldn't be surprised if Spike wasn't originally going to be a show staple until this arc and also lead to the idea of making him an actual good guy. Even though that arc was probably just to make Spike and Buffy briefly teaming up at the end of the season more believable and more something the audience would want.

Kendra

She comes back just to be killed, shes back so briefly. That is all.

Oz

Kind of the opposite of what I've said about other things happening in the show earlier than I remembered - Oz is there in season 2 but does barely anything, even after he becomes a werewolf. He has that episode and that's it for season 2. If I'd been asked before, I would have got it wrong, I would have said that his big story arc starts with that episode in-which he becomes a werewolf. Maybe it's season 3 then, or does it even ever happen? I can't remember but will find out soon.

Jenny

I find it interesting that this character that I'd forgotten existed, her death leads to Willow becoming a witch, or least learning some magic early on. I clearly remember Willow becoming a more and more powerful witch but I'd forgotten that Jenny is literally the first reason why she starts. This is after Jenny's death, Willow finds some research Jenny was doing.

It's almost 11pm so I'm going. My writing is so bad in this blog, sorry.

Depression and the Virus

It's already almost 20:00 while I write this, unbelievable. Today went faster than yesterday even though I got up earlier, to be fair though it was only about 45 minutes earlier. I also got even less done, oh wait, I haven't got anything done in a while, I guess what I mean is that I was even further away from getting anything done than usual. It's odd because I felt like I'd have more drive today, after doing that hand-stand against a tree yesterday. Even writing that now, it already feels like a feeble achievement, that's comparing myself to others again, remember it's better to beat your own records, not others.

The main reason today was different was because I had a sudden urge to stream or at least set up the stream after breakfast. I then spent a while getting my MiSTer to dual output between VGA and HDMI but I had issues, I kind of got it working but I wasn't satisfied with the results. The image quality on the screen I'd be playing on was a bit rubbish so what's the point. The MiSTer continues to be a disappointment, I'm rarely disappointing with my games related purchases come to think of, in fact have I ever been disappointing any any of them? I'm getting buyers remorse and may sell it.

After that (I didn't stream) I decided to go out even though I was planning not to today, I called my mum on the way there and while I talked through the part. It was colder today, that wasn't the reason I wasn't going to go out though. This morning I had this kind of resentment towards my new routine, even though I've only been doing it for like what, a week, less? Was that because I realised I have no choice but to do that routine now? I can't really change it, I don't think.

After failing with the MiSTer I've had a feeling of caring little and having little motivation today. After I got home I decided to stream just my webcam, something I've never done before, usually I'd be playing a game. No one watched of course. I did speak but to be fair I was walking around and sometimes I wasn't even in camera. Now the thing is I totally understand why no one talks in chat or watches so why did I bother to do it? It was awful just like I predicated, it was basically me talking to myself but it's worse. At least normally I probably wouldn't be talking to myself and I'd be mulling things over in my head. I'm not sure if they're both as delusional as each other or whether that's a good thing, because not streaming and mulling things over feels better. It feels like I'm figuring things out in my head and building confidence, but now that I'm writing about it, does that ever lead to anything productive anyway? No, not really. So I stopped streaming because just like when I stream a game, it adds an extra layer of loneliness. Playing a game on my own is really fun, but playing a game on my own while online suddenly feels crap even though on the surface I'm doing the same thing. I guess it's simply that ones frame of mind changes when you're streaming it.

More Buffy the Vampire Slayer (kinda)

I realised it makes it makes more sense to write my intro which usually has something to do with the virus, that's the part that's becoming more like a diary by each day. I'm already regretting what I just wrote because it shows my insecurities rather clearly. But, and I know I say this constantly, no one besides perhaps a family member will (probably) ever read this. Even that family member will probably skim over the media and self-centred related stuff, which is... most of it.

Myself and others are more limited in our lives at the moment, due to the virus, as if I need to say the reason all the time. But I realised that while in-doors I'm no more limited than I usually am, what I'm trying to say is that I could actually do other stuff around this time than watch Buffy. I could watch other shows or films, or play video games. I already started thinking this a day or two ago but I keep going back to Buffy instead. Like I said before, I guess it's because it's a comfort blanket.

It does nonetheless make me feel sad, in both popular meanings of the word. I could write about the show more and I probably will soon but I feel like saying more about the feelings I get while watching it. If I can think of any. I think I have some but I'm currently writing off the cuff so I'm not sure - The picture I chose today, it came up when I put in season 2 so I guess it's some kinda promotional photo for that season. I kind of said it in an earlier post, that some of these photos make me more aware of how old the show is than when I'm actually watching it. There's something exceedingly old fashioned about this style of photo, it makes me feel old and then I think about how these actors will be a lot older now too, I think I want to avoid looking up what they look like now. I have of course seen some of them accidentally in the past, the Willow and Angel actors are the ones that come to mind.

I forgot to mention that when I started re-watching the show, I realised that the characters are supposed to be my age, season 1 is 1997 and the main school dwelling characters are 16, that's for of them. I was 16 in 1997 too and I don't think I ever thought about this when I used to watch the show. I'm pretty sure I didn't think or care about my age back then, oh how things have changed. I'm sure most of the actors were older than their characters though, I think this was common practice until fairly recently in-which we now get younger actors playing their real ages.

How 16 year old Brits acted in real life in 1997 was completely different from how American teens were in Buffy, come to think of it. Alien, even. Incredibly different. I reckon Buffy was quite realistically acted at the time, compared to older shows, but still far from actual real life. Just think about shows like sitcoms and even dramas were before 1997, the scripts, how people acted was very unreal.

Actual Direct Buffy Talk

It's already been 40 minutes, unbelievable. I need to get through this so I can go watch more. I actually made notes to I'll go through them now and write about them. They are useful because I was forgetting stuff before. Actually I'm going to try to be more brief in my writings about Buffy today, as in, I'll get to the point quicker.

Jennifer Calendar

I mean't to say this several days ago - I completely forgot this character existed and after that I still kept thinking you was so minor that you'd just vanish after one or two episodes, but she kept coming back every time I thought that. I figured she was so dull and unimportant that they weren't even going to explain why she wasn't in the show anymore, you know like in other shows when a person simply doesn't turn up anymore and you often don't even notice. But no, Jenny appeared in  the eighth episode of season 1 and was in quite a lot of episodes up until her death in "Passion" which is the seventeenth episode of season 2. I do want to point out though that season 1 was shorter than all other seasons at a count of 12 episodes.

The word 'dated' is a confusing one and I should look up its definition before writing about it but I'm not going to. I'm going to say that Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn't dated in the rotatory sense of the word, but Jenny being a "Technopagan" is one small thing which is definitely dated! I mean, Technopagan? It sounds ridiculous, luckily it's not used much after her first episode, if I at all. Her debut is in 'I Robot, You Jane' and it is rather nostalgic to see the old PC's in the this episode, how they were used, the terminology and what the characters thought of them. I'm sure this entire episode is 'dated', depending on ones definition of the word, I just don't think it's a bad kind of dated.

I find it funny how there's a load of PC's set up in the library but only for this episode, though to be fair you do get to see PC's in later episodes in a computer class or something, where Jenny is the teacher. Jenny's main role is love interest to Giles, she has to do something else though so she sometimes, rarely, helps the Buffy team (I'll call them the Scooby Gang from now on) to do research. Now the thing is her role as Technopagan is rarely utilised because what would that entail? In the show it's essentially no different from being someone who is good at using computers, even that is being generous. All that ends up happening is shes in the same role as Willow in those scenes where someone will ask her to look something up. Willow will use a computer or book while they usually make a point to make it clear that Jenny will be using a computer instead.

I found Jenny not to have much of a personally but I found it a little odd how pissed off Giles and Buffy was with her when she's revealed to be a member of the Gypsies who "cursed" Angel to get his soul back. She did very little to scorn them and was against screwing with Angel and Buffy's lives. I guess the narrative was that they disliked the fact that she didn't tell them that she was there to keep an eye on Angel, whatever that means. Her keeping an eye on him didn't seem to consist of her doing anything. The thing is even by this early point in the show, Buffy and Giles had experienced more extreme stuff than Jenny keeping a secret so it didn't ring true to me.

Don't get me wrong the though, the show is fantastic. I'm writing like I think it's bad but it's just nit-picking, it's easier to write about the small flaws than the good stuff. For me anyway. I'd say the show is the best drama / comedy I've seen in my life, best pure comedy probably goes to Seinfeld.

Next - After Jenny is killed by Angel, he leaves her dead body at Giles house and there's important details to this which I'm not going to bother saying but this is the darkest scene in the show by that point, by far. This was in the episode called "Passion". This show in general has this interesting thing going in-which it's usually comical or wacky but then it does some incredibly serious stuff, especially for the time. Actually not many shows do that even now, honestly I think Bojack Horseman might be the closest thing to it since.

Ted

I'm not going to say much about this episode because I want to go and I didn't keep this brief like I said I was going to. Basically this episode is great. It's dark, kind of up there with the Jenny death I mentioned above. It's different though. All I'll say is the scenes in-which Ted starts talking down to and aggressively at Buffy are shockingly disturbing to me for some reason. There's this domestic abuse angle which I think really works because Buffy is portrayed as vulnerable, something we aren't used to seeing the character be. This comes through with the top-notch acting these two are doing in these scenes.

Imagine if that episode ended with the bit where Buffy killed Ted. Maybe the writers didn't have the guts to do something like that this early on. Later, they'd make episodes like the one in-which Buffy's mum dies, they were certainly brave by then.

This end up having nothing to do with Buffy

I missed the chance to use this image in my first Buffy posted it could have been more fitting because it's the season 1 DVD cover. Actually I could just go back and change it couldn't I, but can't be arsed. Also I'd have to change some text. I wanted to still use it because it feels iconic to me.

My Day

Today was another day in our new reality which came about due to the virus, and yes I rarely called it Corona or Covid-19 anymore because it sounds more dramatic saying just 'the virus'. I feel like I'm getting a little more used to my new routine, though what I really should be doing is getting used to the idea that routines are sometimes bad because life doesn't stay the same. This virus has proved that and I'm not the only one who has started to contemplate this.

Today and yesterday went very fast, mostly because I've been getting up gradually later and later. I need to stop this because I don't have much time to so anything and I have less time to go out while it's warm. I went to the park today and randomly decided to learn how to hand-stand. I can't do it of course and but I was fairly happy with my slight progress in the measurement of staying on my hands for a second or two longer than when I started. So my record is probably only something like three seconds but really that time is just managing to fall slower than before. However after this, I decided to hand-stand against a tree, I figured this would help me get used to being upside down and give me confidence later with the free hand-stands. At first I couldn't do it, kind of throwing my back towards the tree felt scary plus I was a bit tired from the normal hand-stands. But with my problems in life, my stress, anxiety and the virus making things worse, I really pushed my self and was just like 'fuck it'. I managed to push through and I did it, I got upside down, even managed to do it a couple of times. This is was massive achievement for me, the feeling of accomplishment was immense.

It may have been an important moment for me. I think I've wasted so much of my life, from about my mid-twenties till now, I'm almost forty so that's over ten years. I'm trying to figure it out in my head right now - It's the internet, that's what I've been wasting my time with. Not video games, the internet. Maybe a tad bit of TV, I'll throw that in there. The thing is, I don't have much regret about those things, especially video games. I have fond memories of playing them and they led to the majority of the jobs I've had over the years, they also led me to meeting my best friends, then and now.

So what do I mean by 'the internet'? The thing I'm realising now, which is quite possibly true, is that the internet is a wonderful source of information but I've become addicted to it while not using that information for practical uses. So I'm not saying the internet is an evil thing, what's happened is my own fault. There are many things you can do with your days which aren't productive but those things are more obvious than the internet. I'll be sitting online reading about interesting history or reading guides on something, it'll feel more like I'm achieving something than say, watching TV. It's deceptive or rather, it deceived me anyway. I guess it's a bit like those old depictions of "nerds" who spend all their time reading in libraries, sure you learn stuff but you're not actually doing much. If there was video footage of it, it's just someone sitting there looking at a book, in my case (and I'm sure others) a screen. This could also be extended to the current worries that many people have in the world that lots spend too much time looking at their phones.

Really there's not much difference, you could be looking at something quite insightful on your phone but you still could be doing something more productive instead. Though with phones you're more than likely not looking at something educational, it'll probably be messages from mates. It all depends on time, all these things are fine in moderation, I think my addiction to the internet has been a gradual thing. I'm old enough to have been around when it became common place, I vaguely remember things like eBay and Google starting off, I was an early adopter and was lucky enough to be in a household who got the internet at home fairly early.

Then the second big great / awful thing came into existence; YouTube. This, being a part of the internet of course, is just an extension to my addiction, but I think it made things worse. Not only did it continue the false feelings of achievement but also added a 'living vicariously through others' factor to my life. This is a concept I've known about for a while but didn't think about it much and I don't think I ever thought I'd be a victim of it. However I recently realised that it's possibly what I'm doing almost all of the time when I'm watching YouTube. I don't mean I pretend I'm the people in the video but it is kind of along those lines, it's more of a subconscious thing. It really hit home for me the other week when after deciding to get back into drawing, I found a show on YT called The Drafsmen Show, or something like that. It's really good, it feels me with positively but I watched all twenty nine episodes and the episodes are long by the way. I spent many hours watching it, plus I've spent many hours in the past watching tutorial videos on several subjects on YT.... INSTEAD of actually doing those things. Tutorials are fine, they're good, but only if you put them into practice. I realise I usually don't so why do I feel like I've accomplished something? I think it's because I'm sort of living vicariously through whoever is on the screen or even just the stuff that's being produced on screen. I think a part of my subconscious is happy with seeing tutorials, thinks "yeah, I could do that" and then moves on, it doesn't actually need to practice them. Basically I've been fooling myself and I'm an idiot for not realising it sooner.

If anyone is reading this you may be thinking I'm over thinking this, that may be true but that doesn't matter because the result is the same - It could be simplified into a form of laziness, if others have experienced this same thing as me, they may have just labelled it as laziness without knowing how they got there and that's fine.

Anyway I was going to talk about Buffy but I've been writing for almost an hour and I want to go and actually watch it. My plan is go to bed earlier tonight, get up earlier and get more done tomorrow. I started writing the amount of time I spend on each thing in a notebook, in the hope that it'll help me become more productive.

Still Writing about Buffy in 2020, Alone

I added the picture first this time, before writing the post, instead of it being the last thing I do. That's really not important but it ended up feeling a bit odd to me when I'd add the picture last.

This first bit isn't about Buffy

Random aside, I noticed there's an ancient post of mine called 'Lost Season 3 Episode 16 - Sayid for the WIN!'. I find it kind of funny that I mentioned Lost in my post, not remembering I actually wrote about it. Let's have a look when that was... Oh my god 2007?! Lost really doesn't feel that old until I picture where I was living when it was on. I can't even remember who Sayid is.

I've realised that writing this blog is mostly like a diary to me, I probably won't ever write anything very personal though. If I did, it would only be a hand full of very negative, self-deprecating things anyway. I think I've finally figured out the mixed feelings I have about writing here - I feel the need to share it with people because many things in life can feel pointless until others see them. On the other hand having no one know or care about it gives me a strong feeling of relief, the pressure to impress is mostly gone, I say mostly because it is of course online, so there is a chance someone is reading this close to now or in the future. The feeling is also one of odd defiance; writing shallow stuff here about TV shows and video games even though no on but myself may read it. If you do read this though, please leave a comment so I know!

The idea of things being pointless unless others seeing them is an issue of mine that I've been tackling for months now, it's something that effects everything and I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I'm writing a lot earlier than I did last night and I haven't even started watching Buffy yet, I'm not going to spend as long writing this time though. Today went really fast due to the fact that I've been getting up later and later each day since this virus happened. It's hard to get up when there's little to do and no one to see, well besides the few strangers that are out when I need to get food or get some exorcise. I'd like to remind everyone that going out for these two things IS allowed, there seems to be some misunderstanding going on in-which people are shamed for going out at all, this is incorrect.

The character of Spike (back on the subject of Buffy)

Spike is properly introduced in season 2 and is in many but not all episodes. Even though I haven't seen the show in ages I reckon I can give an accurate account of the four character arcs he goes through - Formidable regular villain, comically inept villain, good guy and then Buffy love interest. He's definitely one of the characters who changes the most, maybe number one. Funny thing about spike is that even back when it was newish, I remember thinking he's not formidable looking, in fact he looks kind of skinny and dorky. Re-watching the show, I still think this. I also don't like his hair all that much. For some reason I can't remember how I felt about this character besides the dorkyness, like, how I felt about him later in the series. I have a funny feeling that I actually loved him, do I have a slightly clearer memory of thinking he was awesome in Angel. It remains to be seen if these's memories come back.

Willow

I wasn't planning on writing about each character but looks like I'm going to. Willow contends with Spike for the character who changes the most throughout the series. I can't remember the arcs as clearly though. The Oz arc is just starting where I am in season 2 which is right after the two parter mid-season. After that is a big vague (not that it's important), I remember Oz leaves the show, then Willow becomes a lesbian (or bi?) but I think that's not until a while later. She also becomes a powerful good witch at some point and I think she becomes evil for a short time. This is really just me testing and pondering over what I can remember about this show, instead of giving any insight into the characters, sorry.

Buffy

I honestly don't recall her changing that much even though shes the main character. Having seen a season and a half so far, I'm reminded that the character trait of being forced into the slayer role and not having a normal teen life has been there from the start. The show tries to make it look like she changes but all the serious shit she goes through boils down to the same thing - Being a slayer is deadly, hard and stressful. Not that I'm complaining, it's fine and Buffy is great how she is, plus maybe I will stand corrected after I watch some more. I do remember her going through dark stuff but all I remember is that she hates it and then when she gets through it, she embraces the slayer role, and then later more dark shit happens and the cycle repeats.

There's other characters but I can't be bothered to talk about them and I remember them changing very little. Oh wait, there is one who isn't in it much but there's one thing I want to say about her...

Kendra

In part 1 of 'What's My Line' a second slayer is introduced, I can't remember if she ever comes back again but it's not for long if she does.What she does in these two episodes is fine but the only reason I'm bringing her up is because of her accent. She's Jamaican and has what I'm pretty sure is a really bad, fake accent. I'm pretty lame at picking up on the nuances of accents but I'm almost certain this accent is trash. That's all I have to say. Oh, I just read this on Wikipedia -

"The addition of the Jamaican accent to the character was a last-minute decision, and a dialect coach was brought in; he taught Lawson a dialect that was supposedly from a very specific, obscure region of Jamaica, and while the accent may have sounded authentic to that region, to the rest of the cast and crew (and the majority of the viewing audience) it simply sounded like a very bad impersonation of a common Jamaican accent."

Glad I wasn't the only one but sounds like I may have been wrong? I dunno, still sounds bad to me. I also accidentally saw a tiny spoiler in the line after the above paragraph -

"After her death, Kendra was succeeded by Faith Lehane."

Oops. Oh well, she wasn't that great anyway.

Wikipedia

Moving on from talking about characters - I just read that since 2018 there's been talk of a re-boot, that could be good. However reading the Wiki entry makes it sound like there's already controversy and it sounds like Whedon doesn't even like re-boots.

Reading the Buffy Wiki is interesting, looks like the series is or was used in a lot in Academia, possibly more than any other show. I get the feeling though that this started dying out about 10 years ago and the last thing of any significance was in 2014. I don't mean to put the idea down, it's just the Wiki entry makes it sound like such a big deal, while I have this feeling that it's very unlikely anyone in education is using Buffy the Vampire Slayer anymore. Not that it doesn't deserve it, it's just that I doubt many youngsters care at all about Buffy, a show which to them, is archaic.

The Comics

The last season of Buffy is number 7, I remember that they continued the series in comic book form and it's neat how they called it season 8. I'm surprised to find that there's quite a lot of Buffy comics, even ones from before both the Buffy and Angel series ended, I'd like to try to read them after I've finished the shows. I say 'try' because I may have lost interest by then. It's kind of sad for me to see how old even the season 8 comics are, they started in 2007, that's 13 years ago! I remember seeing them in Calamity Comics in Harrow, where I used to live. It makes me feel old, how time flies. However, doing a bit of research, it looks like there's a lot of continuity issues with the Buffy comics, I'm not sure if these are only present in the ones that were released before the show ended, though. Also, I never read the comics back then even though I loved the show, the idea of comic book versions didn't excite me, the idea sounds a bit fake even to me now. Without the actors, without it being an actual show, it may not work for me. Which makes me sad because it reminds me the shows (I'm including Angel) ended a long time ago. Yes, I have issues with change, it's  major problem because change is inevitable.

There's a small bit on Wikipedia in-which it quotes some reactions from the actors concerning parts of the comics. Now they are positive and I hadn't even thought about the idea of the actors reading the comics, but it's clear from this insert that the actors don't read the comics. For some reason this puts me off reading them even more, I know that's stupid but yeah. I mean these quotes are from about 12 years ago so who knows, they may have read them after. Oh god... 12 years ago, why am I even caring about this?

Looks like the comics have been collected into some real cool looking books called 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight Library Edition', so it would be nice to start off with volume one of that. Of course, I could just download scans of them, but I really feel like it would be better to get it in physical form. Not that I can afford it. Hmm, £24.20, high but not bad for a hardback I guess. Looks like these volumes are really expensive on eBay, on the other hand the DVD's popped up as well when I searched, looks like I was wrong the other day, they're really cheap. You can even get the entire series for £50 including postage, that's pretty good. Each season boxset is maximum £5, they're so cheap I feel I should just get them instead of downloading them.

I just realised writing this blog isn't that different from talking to myself. Anyway I'm going, I've been on here for way too long.

Getting Tangential with Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Wow this photo is exceptionally old and 90's looking, more so than most promo pictures for this show are. I'm going to have to spend some more time on Google Images looking at Buffy stuff, but probably not until I've finished the whole show. Again.

I said I was going to post again a day after my last one, I didn't and I thought I missed one day but it's been three, this virus is already making me lose track of time. I may also not post this today, depending on how long it takes to write it plus it's late, it maybe be tomorrow by the time I finish this. I also have a lot to talk about and it normally takes me a long time to write but I don't want to spend too much time on this right now.

I looked back at my reminder, I was going to write about how I want to cut back on social media and YouTube (some may consider YouTube as social media too) but I don't feel like doing that right now. Also I'm not quite as stressed about that as I was then, that's perhaps not exactly a good thing because I'm already watching quite a lot of YouTube after just one day of cutting down. Even then, I still did watch a fair amount on that day. Also I want to point out that my writing may not be very good in this post, I can't be bothered to spend much time on it so it'll probably come out formulaic because I'm writing in a stream of consciousness kind of way. Not that I'm particularly good at writing anyway.

I'm going to write about the TV series called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yes, that's how shallow I am. I'm not thinking about important things or writing about deeper things at the age of 38, I'm writing about 90's TV shows about vampires. Whatever, it's what I need to do write now, physiologically, that is. I've already forgotten why I decided to re-watch it even though it hasn't been that long, a week maybe, maybe less. I may have been a way to take my mind of the Covid-19 virus which has effected me greatly in a very sudden way. It remains to be seen if it suddenly goes away and life for myself and the world goes back to normal. It's certainly making me think a lot about my life and may actually change it for the good. Well, unless it it ruins me outside of the realms of my mental state.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about the bloody virus right now, it's difficult for me not to think about it though! Where do I start? I've been watching Buffy on a fat old CRT TV to get that full nostalgia feeling, anyone who doesn't know me will most likely now instantly think of me in a very different light, and that's fair enough. I have a small collection of CRT TV's which, up until now, were primarily for video games. I guess you could call me a collector but the collecting stopped pretty fast, I got them pretty cheap but they are quickly getting difficult to get plus I don't really need many at all. Oh also it's not like I have much space. Oh.... also I mostly only for Bang & Olufsen ones, even within that brand, I've gradually learnt that there are models which I may as well avoid because, well, there a better ones they've made. Wow I really could have thought out a better way to explain that. So yeah you're probably painting a picture of a sad, nerdy person or in some way a kinda strange person, because even in the world of nerds, who bothers with old TV's anymore? Well I'm not alone and most of them are a lot more hardcore than me. Also why am I writing like this again, my brain keeps going into "what if others read this" mode which completely changes what I think I should be writing. It makes me get the need to explain everything about my life and I keeping going off topic, this is supposed to be about a TV show!

Right... I'm also using an original Xbox to watch Buffy, really just because it's the easiest way, I transfer video files to it and then watch them using a scart cable. I could play actual DVDs on it but I only have season 1 and it's sealed so I don't want to open it. I'm pretty sure it's not worth much at all, I just feel like keeping it that way for some stupid reason. If I find any box-sets in charity stores that would be cool but I had a bit of a look the other week (before everything got shut down due to the virus) and didn't find any. I even went into Cash Generator which has loads of DVDs and they had none, I asked and it sounded like they don't often get them. I think they may actually be kinda rare now, well, offline that is. I think you can get them online at OK prices, I really should just look now, it wouldn't take long but I can't be bothered.

I really like the CRT I'm using, it hasn't got the best image quality out of the ones I own but it's the biggest and I think it may have the best sound quality... at least, it did at first. Recently the sound seems to be dying, I'm not totally sure what's happening, it's not that noticeable until the sound actually pops back into fully working. It's as if one of the speakers, maybe the left one, is gradually fading away and then it comes back. I actually managed to get it back by hitting the side a bit, but that only worked once or twice. At first I thought that literally the left speaker is dying, but then when I put my eyes to it, it is still working, it hasn't gone completely off. Also like I said, it's actually kinda not noticeable, it's not like sound is clearly only coming out of the right speaker. Anyway, wow, I will get to the actual show eventually.

I'm realising that this is the most boring stuff to read ever but it's OK, I'm doing this for me. Specifically this post feels like something I couldn't share anywhere else; Not even my mum or closest friends would be interested in this. I mean sometimes it's OK to share things with people which you know they aren't into, but not to this extreme, this is however just stuff I needed to get off my mind by writing here. It may partly just be because I haven't had many people to talk to since the virus got serious.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is still a good program, it was extremely popular at the time and I loved it back then just like a lot of people. I'd often see it considered to be the best TV show ever (I feel like I'm repeating myself, I may have said that the other day on here already). This virus hitting us has made me think about the past but I was already doing that obsessively before we even knew about Covid-19, so I don't know why I just said that. Time passes, tastes change and shows are forgotten, I'm pretty sure not many care about Buffy anymore and why should they? One could argue why it's unimportant or why it's important but ultimately it's not important compared to most things simply because it's just a TV show. However, for me, I needed a break from reality and a (possibly unhealthy) deep dive into the past in-which I kind of pretend I'm younger and re-live my past watching Buffy.

Nostalgia isn't new to me (there's a joke there somewhere) but it's always been video games nostalgia for me, even though that's mostly involved read, writing and watching stuff on them rather than actually playing them. This is however something I've been trying to remedy, just before the virus I did start playing games again, mostly old ones, after I realised one day that I barely actually played games anymore. Even now, getting back into playing them, I've found that I can't play them for that long but that's OK, people change and it's certainly not a bad thing not being addicted to a consumer hobby. I still adore them so that's what's important. When I said read and write earlier, I was mostly referring to the fact that I run a games quiz once a month in a kind of pub quiz style locally, I've been doing it for about three and a half years. It has of course been cancelled lately due to the virus, I don't think I've ever cancelled it before. Hopefully it'll return soon.

That was ANOTHER tangent! I'll get to the point - Watching Buffy is the next level of nostalgia hit for me, oh god I make it sound like a drug. In my life, I rarely bother to re-watch even my favourite films and TV shows. I'm not sure why that's the case but that may be changing because it's quite a nice feeling. I just remembered I have done it a tiny bit before - I re-watched all of Seinfeld, I love that show and have seen every episode at least twice, some three times. However I do have to remind myself not to accidentally revise my old history, I think I didn't actually watch Seinfeld until way after the entire series had finished and I'm actually struggling to remember when that was, but it was definitely way after I'd finished Buffy. Seinfeld was partly one of those weird cases where it was nostalgic to watch it even though I didn't experience it when it was new. I'm not sure if there's a word for it but it's that feeling you get if you watch something from a year you liked, say 1994 but you didn't actually watch it back then. So you're experiencing something you missed out on, plus that thing of course has elements from 1994. Actually even though it's not important, I want to point out that Seinfeld isn't a good example of this when it comes to me, because I don't think I actually was in that frame of mind when I watched it. I don't think I was all that obsessed with nostalgia at the time, I just found it really funny. Actually come to think of it, watching that first season may have been the first time I had that "new-nostalgia" (for a lack of a better word) feeling. I didn't get it after that but that first, short season was so incredibly 90's (even though it was '89) to me that it struck me pretty hard. Perhaps because then and even know, I rarely watch old stuff, whether or not I'd seen it before didn't matter. That's a shame because even not including nostalgia or new-nostalgia, it can be fascinating to watch old TV and films, they're a glimpse into the past and also I sometimes find it amazing how differently stories are often told.

I honestly really do like Buffy even though it looks like I don't because I keep ending up talking about something else! Also it's almost midnight and I wanted to watch some more of it before bed! By the way I'm currently only half-way through season 2 so I have a long way to go, I also, unsurprisingly, will watch Angel as well. Oh I wanted to say a few more things about my history with the show - I might be forgetting some things but I'm pretty sure I didn't watch all of it on TV, I only watched it in it's entirety when I friend of mine called John lent me the box-sets. I'm temped to say DVD's but actually I think they were those big chunky VHS ones. Wow I might be wrong but I suddenly remembered that I may have borrowed them before the series actually ended, so I watched them to catch up and then finished the series on actual TV. It finished on May 20, 2003 so that would mine up with me working in CeX with John... I think?

It was about a week ago when I started season 1, I watched 2 episodes and then I thought it would be a good idea to find a podcast where they go through reviewing each episode. I haven't found any that tickle my fancy yet but one of them (I think) said that season 1 is considered bad, and then I started watching a video by a fan and he said it IS bad. I think he did anyway, I was tired so my memory isn't good for that night. Anyway the important thing is that I hadn't considered this new before, it reminded me that shows, even good shows, often have bad first episodes or even first seasons. I'm pretty easy going though, for example I think season 1 of Star Trek: TNG is good even though it's widely considered bad. Perhaps it often happens with mega popular shows because, well, they get popular through being good and being good means it got better and became more popular. So in retrospect a lot of people view earlier episodes negatively. Did that even make sense? Anyway I usually don't feel this way, I often like early episodes and take them on their own merits.

Season 1 is already hazy to me which is not a good sign, haha. I DO take it all in though, I don't just mindlessly watch things, I promise. I'm half-way through season 2 though and I'm finding that I remember its episodes from back in the day a lot better than season 1 episodes. As soon as say, a couple new characters appear on-screen in '2x07 - Lie to Me', I remember them and then soon after I clearly remember the story for the episode. Might not sound like a big deal but I didn't get that much in season 1. Don't get me wrong, like I said, season 1 is good but the story doesn't really get rolling until season 2. I mean Spike, who becomes a very important character in both this and Angel isn't even in it until the cliff hanger at the end of the entire season.

I have to be really nit picky to find faults with season 1 so here goes - By mid-season 2 Xander isn't important story-wise and I don't remember him ever getting that important in the entire show (though I may stand corrected later). But he is important to the flow of script because even though all the characters are sometimes comical, Xander is usually the only one intentionally trying to be funny within the actual universe of the show. I'm sure some hate him but he's often got some good jokes and I do find myself doing a little chuckle now and again. That episode 1 of season 1 though, oh boy, his lines are bad. He just kinda says stuff, reactions to what the others are saying and they don't make sense. At first I was like oh god is this what this entire show is like, and my memories of this being good are going to be shattered? It was OK though, he improves quickly after the first episode. The character are only just meeting each other anyway, so you should give them some slack... I guess. The thing is I remember when this show was contemporary, a mate of mine called Paul D. didn't like the show and commented on the script. I can't quite remember but he said something along the lines of it being cocky, American teen jokes that were annoying. We usually had similar tastes so that stuck with me to this day for some reason.

More on season 1 - This is definitely something I'd never thought of before and it's really minor but Alyson Hannigan as Willow is kinda acting badly... maybe? I'm no expert. Basically the character is so one note, her profile must have been "Nerdy, Computer nerd, Shy, Nerdy" which translates into her simply being self-deprecating and lightly spoken all the time. That's literally all she does, the tone of her voice is to softly speak and that's it, nothing else. It kind of hides most of her emotions in the season. She does get better in season 2 though and Oz is slowly being introduced. You can tell the writers had to doing something with her character by bringing in a dramatic love interest, I say dramatic because Oz is a werewolf and I look forward to the stories about him because I can't remember them, all I remember for now is him being locked in cages a lot. That's all I can think of when it comes to bad things in season 1, the rest is fine.

Stepping back a bit, I want to comment on the show in general and what it's like to watch it in 2020. I'm still in its first year of existence, 1997, that's 23 years ago! I'm so old, sad face. It's not widescreen, that's a thing. I don't mind this and it's probably a nostalgia thing again but I like it, it's a different experience. One thing I can imagine that's lost to time is how different this show was, it broke so many narrative conventions. I'm not going to do the right thing and list them all, I'm too tired for that, instead I'm going to say the cliche one that everyone used to say - It subverts your expectations. It probably isn't appreciated now because so many films and shows did it after Buffy, that we've possibly gone through a couple of trope generations since then. However I reckon Buffy started the trend in the first place. The first scene in episode 1 is a simple but perfect example of this - A couple break into a school at night and are gonna make-out or bang or something, the dude acts tough and his girlfriend is scared and acts vulnerable. What was expected in TV and film at the time, especially horror themed ones, was that a monster or killer of some sort would appear, kill the guy and run after the girl.  The girl would run around screaming, possibly get away if this was the end of the story (this is known as the Final Girl, it's a classic trope, look it up) or get killed if it's the start. Then someone else would investigate. Or, knowing this is about vampires, it would be revealed that the boyfriend is a vampire and he'd drink her blood. But instead, the girl turns around and it turns out she was pretending the whole time, shes the vampire and she kills him.

From then on, the show often uses stereotypical scenarios to surprise you with twists. For example there's an episode which seems like it's going to be about your typical evil ventriloquist dummy but it turns out he's a good guy demon hunter, who got trapped in the dummy by a curse. The only problem is we live in the year 2020 now and I when I wrote the word 'twist' I felt like it was a negative thing. We are perhaps now in an era where many are sick of twists, do we currently just want well told, solid stories that don't relay on twists? Perhaps but I'm no storytelling expert, it was just a thought and I still find this Buffy stories great. I even forgot the ventriloquist one so the twist worked on me.

It's being very picky but I guess the only slightly dated thing in Buffy is other story telling elements, besides the cool original ones like the subversion of expectations. Perhaps something that didn't stick out then but does now is the episodic feeling of the entire show. Now I want to say that I'm totally fine with it, in fact it's kind of refreshing after seeing how so many modern shows do it. Let me explain - It can be more complicated than this but basically the A story and the B story are often reversed nowadays. Take Game of Thrones (which finally ended some months ago), There's an overarching story for a season, this is the focus of every episode, this is the A story and it takes up most of the time in that episode. Then the B story could be say, 30% of it and it's a short story which only happens in that one episode. It could give depth to a character and add to the main A story, but it essentially ends in that episode. I first noticed this structure years ago in the TV show called Lost, yeah, remember how popular that was?

Shows didn't used to be like this, the self-contained story which is only for one episode in Buffy is actually the A story, then the over arching story which is gradually told over the season and ends at the end of that season is the short B story. In fact the B story could be as short at 10% of that episode. It's probably because tastes change plus show we accessed TV was different back then. It's easier to access now and we don't mind long stories which span an entire season, or even entire show in Game of Thrones case. But in the old days you'd often just turn on the TV and watch whatever was on, you couldn't choose to watch something anytime like on Netflix. So if you went to a channel and Buffy season 3 episode 9 was on and you didn't have a clue what was going on because you hadn't watched the first 8 episodes, you'd not like it and turn it off.

I'm going to have to continue this another day because I've been writing this for hours. I didn't even get to my point in the last paragraph and for all I know it's not making any sense because I'm now burnt out. Byeeeeee.

Empty Nottingham Streets and Searching for Meaning in my Life

Here is a picture of Hon-Fu which is totally unrelated to this post, I couldn't think of anything else and I didn't want to post a picture of a virus, Osmosis Jones or something lame like that. Here is Hon-Fu to remind future me to be happy and get back to things I like. Then again pictures on here are more likely to vanish than the text.

Here we are again and when I say we, I mean just me entirely alone on this quiet blog account.

Something incredible happened today; I jogged and partly walked through central Nottingham while a virus called Covid-19 has created a pandemic. I went to almost every part of  town that I know which admittedly isn't much. The amazing part was how dead it was, there were people on the streets but not many. I suddenly feel like explaining what's going on and going into detail about which stores are closed and which ones are open but are offering only take-away or delivery, but then what would be the point when everyone in the world knows about this virus, most places are experiencing the same things.

Then again, this blog is mostly for me to read months or years later, so perhaps I should remind myself of what happened. Nah, can't be arsed. Also this may all be over really soon, then how silly will I look after taking it so seriously. It feels like a massive change to the world but this is nothing in comparison to many things including wars. Oh shit, restaurants, gyms, pubs have almost entirely closed down?! What about places of war or poverty where you're lucky to get some mouldy bread and diseased water today. Originally I was only going to the park so I was in tatty clothes but I just didn't care anymore, so the people who were there and in town saw me that way.

It's the early 90's on a Sunday in Harrow where I used to live, the streets are eerily quiet but I liked it. I don't recall this lasting, it wasn't long before Sundays became like any other day. Some years later I'd be working in CeX and Sundays were just like Saturdays by then, I guess those empty Sundays were the left-overs of a perhaps more religious era, the day of rest and all that. Today felt a bit like that day, decades ago, perhaps it'll be memorable to me or maybe this virus will last ages, so any day I go out will be like this. Feelings are confusing, even though I've been feeling isolated, alone, I did enjoy the empty-ish streets, due to the fascination of it all. Actually perhaps it's just novelty. I feel alone? Jeez this could only be the beginning, I could be like this for a long time.

When the virus started to freak people out, it worried me how quickly people became obsessed with it, but even though people are still taking it seriously, I'm seeing them doing and talking about other things already, while I on the other hand have become the obsessed one. I can barely function, all I can think about is the virus but guess what, it's not getting sick that I'm mostly worrying about, it's more the physiological effect it's had on me. A lot has been confusing me but I've been trying to figure it all out. The main thing on my mind at the moment is the possibility that the virus has revealed that my life is a farce.

Take away the cafe, gym, Circuit Training class and the video games quiz I do, and I have nothing left. The farce part of it comes from the idea that these things were perhaps unimportant anyway. The virus changing my lifes landscape shines a light on how important these things were to me. I already deeply miss them which makes me stop and think that is quite possibly stupid. Maybe not stupid, more like unhealthy to put so much importance on such things. It's hard to explain.

It's the little things in life that are important, right? These things are the little things, I guess? So why am I now thinking they might not be important? It might have something to do with the people at most of these places being complete strangers, some friends are at the quiz and the class but they aren't as often as the others listed. I spend a lot of time in cafes and the gym, being around people makes me feel less alone but is that healthy? It could be a kind of delusion, a kind of way I trick my brain into thinking I am a part of a group.

I can't help but write this blog thinking someone may actually read it, so I should point out that I have been watching a lot of videos on philosophy over the past couple of years, the ones on the Academy of Ideas YouTube page. One thing that comes up a lot is our dependence on others, how they view and judge us, this is considered a bad thing. It's complicated and I couldn't explain it here but basically the idea is that a lot of misery comes from our strong desires to fit in, so we act like they want, not how we actually want to be.

I've gradually come to the realisation that I'm a victim of this, I've slowly changed over, come to think of it, about 16 years. I unfortunately have other issues but let's stick with just one for now. So being forced into having less human contact is tugging harder than usual on that natural part of my brain that needs human contact. Some of the philosophy videos could be misunderstood as saying we should be loners, to be fair some pretty much do say that but usually the main point is that we should make our own decisions and not go along with everyone else like sheep.

That may seem obvious but when I've spent time thinking about it, it was scary how often I realised so many of my decisions are made because I figured others would approve. So much so that it's hard not to think like that, I honestly think it's been so long that I've been conditioned. For anyone, the longer it goes on, the more you stop knowing what you actually want anymore, and I mean really WANT in life. Now, perhaps this is just me, perhaps you and many others are totally fine and make your own choices. In that case good for you but I'm currently totally fucked. Best case scenario I'm very wrong but I'm quite sure I'm not and if I am, it still means there's something else wrong, because clearly something is not right.

All of this could possibly be boiled down into a problem I realised I had years ago - I don't know what I want. Typing that out makes it look like a minor thing but it is terrifying. It is partly connected to ambition, do I have none now? That brings in a whole host of other emotions. Have my past failures like my University Degree killed my ambitions? It certainly feels that way.

I'm finishing now, this post went off on a tangent, kind of. It was supposed to be about the streets of Nottingham in this current crisis we find ourselves in. I guess I didn't have as much to say about them as I thought, I did have something else I wanted to talk about but I'll leave that till tomorrow. It's about how I think I should stop using YouTube and social media so much, I'm writing this here to remind myself tomorrow!

Art by Click Burgundy (aka hungry_clicker) - Who is a master, by the way.

I cannot figure out why all of this post is highlighted in white. Whatever. This post is from my Facebook page about a month, I'm posting it because I think it'll be preserved here better and not get lost like it will on FB. I mean, my old posts on FB probably will stick around for a while but I dunno, this kinda post feels like the sort I want to do on Blogger. I feel like this should have been posted here in the first place.

For some reason the new Seth resonates with me.

I don't play SFV but Seth's return kinda makes me want to play it. References to JoJo, Demitri from Darkstalkers and other Capcom fighters, the original voice actor who has somehow gone from meh to nostalgic for me. I spent a large chunk of my SFIV days playing as Seth, looks like he plays differently but my god he looks mental.

I like the fact that Juri accidentally put him into a Bison doll after his body was destroyed in SFIV, so he's now a buff women with a mans voice. I hadn't thought about it before but he's essentially an AI personality plopped on top of a program which copies other fighters moves. So he now has Dissociative Identity Disorder, constantly reminding himself "I am Seth!" and getting confused. Also there's a soulless computer voice when he does (at least) one of his special moves. The kind you hear on countless sci-fi, normally coming from the ships computer. It's cliche but I'm a sucker for them. I never thought the dumb looking boss from SFIV could get interesting, in a way the new design is ridiculous but they go so far that, for me, it goes all the way around to being cool again.

Also... Venture Brothers and that Batman TAS Talia episode, anyone?

Well, this feels odd. I haven't posted in eleven years, I'm thinking of posting again, I don't mean the message I'm writing now, I mean maybe I should post more often than once every decade or so. What will happen? I'll probably make a few posts and then give up again for years. I say give up, that's probably the contemporary me speaking, I probably wasn't worrying about such things when I used to write on here.

Do I dare look back at these old posts? I think I actually did read through them five or so years ago. I see the last post is about wrestling, wow, I don't think I've watched wresting since that last post! By the way who am I even talking to? I don't know how people find these blogs, if at all, do they follow them? Maybe. I'll look it up later. It's different from Facebook, that's all I know. Looking back, my last post is from 2009 and Facebook started in 2004. Now I might be wrong but I think I was an early FB user so I'm sure I was already on it by 2009. I has most likely been on it for ages by then so I'm surprised I even bothered with blogging.

One reason I'm thinking of coming back here is because I feel like I'm posting in a void on FB, I don't think many friends actually even look at my posts, I mean to be fair I rarely look at others posts. 99% of my FB usage is for Messenger and for posting links to Youtube videos I like. Also old posts aren't as easy to find on FB and there's a lot of noise, what with everything else FB does flying around.

Then again on here, on Blogger, it's probably (almost definitely) a different type of void. On FB it's a sea of constant information, so your posts get lost in it and are throw-away. On Blogger, well, I assume it's a ghost town, at least it will be for me, because why would anyone bother to check a page that's been dead for eleven years?

I see this place is called Blogger now, not BlogSpot, I wonder why they changed it and for all I know, it's been ages since they did. I'm impressed that my blog is still up, even this ancient theme is intact and everything is still here like images. Wait... maybe not my profile picture, though I do remember it was still here a few years ago when I last checked. Maybe it's just not loading at the moment. Would be a shame, I was thinking I might keep that photo of the far FAR younger me. I think it said 'munted' on it, which was an influence (and joke) from a friend called Vanessa, who unfortunately has been long gone out of my life for a... long time. Wow my grammar is terrible. My fault though, just like many old friends of mine, I was terrible at keeping in touch, I didn't realise I was doing it until it was too late. I'm mostly talking friends from a life time ago.

Perhaps writing here will be good for gathering my thoughts and will be therapeutic, even if no one reads it. Anyway I've already written way more than I intended, I should go to the gym for a bit.

WWE Spoiler Alert Report 01

[This post will be written very fast, so I apologise for the grammer. I'm very lazy right now]

(THIS POST IS UNFINISHED, I'M TIRED. I'LL ADD MORE LATER)

I regressed to a 14 year old boy about 7 months ago, this was achieved by watching wrestling. My previous experience of wrestling is short, I think I used watch it a little back when the big rivalry was between the Undertaker and Yokozuna. This may even be not true, due to the fact that I have bad memory. It's possible that I may have simply watched one or two episodes at a friends house, it's just everything seemed so much more important and grander back then. Events that transpited over a week, now feel like they went on for months, when I look back at them.

I don't know why I started watching it again, I guess I was bored. At first I was watching TNA Wrestling as well as WWE, but I'm not watching TNA anymore, beause the "Main Event Mafia" was annoying, and... I dunno, TNA just seems to kind of suck sometimes. Even though some of the actual wrestling is pretty good.

I now just watch the WWE shows, besides WWE Superstars, which isn't on UK TV. I could download it, but WWE shows are long, so the video sizes are large. In the time I've been a viewer, I've watched Wrestlemania 25, Backlash 2009, Judgement Day 2009, and The Bash 2009. There may have been another special, but I can't remember it. I was supprised to find that since Wrestlemania 25 (2009), theres been a PPV event every month, the most recent one being The Bash, the next one is called something like Champions Night, I think. No I cannot be bothered to do research right now. I'm not going to write about older events, because I can't remember and I can't be bothered. I'll do quick summories. By the way, even if I do write any reviews, the will be very short, it's the way I am. I like to call them 'mini' reviews.

Wrestlemania 25-

This was dissapointing, it's been the worst PPV I've seen. It was also the only one that was still an actual PPV in the UK. While other not so big ones are free in the UK.

Backlash 2009-

Possibly the best PPV I've seen, can't remember what happened, but I remember it was awesome. Essentually it was the "backlash" to the events that happened at Wrestlemania 25. Rivalries had better resolutions here, as opossed to Wrestlemania 25.

Judgement Day 2009-

This was rubbish, but not quite as bad as WM25.

Extreme Rules 2009-

Just added this one, completely forgot about it for some reason. Extreme Rules was great actually, mostly because of one of the best matches I've ever seen; Edge Vs Jeff Hardy. Edge is my favorite wrestler, even though his actual wrestling abilities aren't that great. It's just his character that is so entertaining. Though this match was the first I'd seen inwhich he did some actual cool stuff, it was good because he actaully wrestled this time, while usually he just cheats or something.

Fatal Four Way;

This was ok but forgettable. Kofi Kingston defends his US Championship and wins, I wasn't supprised, he's only had it for a little while.

Chris Jericho Vs Rey Mysterio;

Excellent match, 2nd best to the main event, which was Edge Vs Jeff. This fight was very technical, lots of good grab reversals. I watched this match twice, the second time I noticed it's prety obvious when they're whispering to each other what to do next. Especailly when Jericho is doing the whispering. I liked this though, it was interesting. Jericho wins by swiping Rays mask off while he's in mid-619 (Rays over-used, and not painful looking special move). Ray basically freezes up and hides his face, which gives Jericho the oportunety to pin him. Jericho won the Intercontinental belt in this match, the 9th time he's won it, which is the most anyones ever won that belt. I've always liked Jericho, this match made me like him more.

CM Punk Vs Umaga;

A Samoan strap-match, umm, well, it was ok, was better the 2nd time I watched it. Interesting idea I guess, but it couldn't be done very often. Would get old real quick. CM Punk, the face, wins.



The Bash 2009-

This was very good, watched it just the other day, I can actually talk about this one!;

ECW Championship Scramble Match;

Christian is pretty good, but he's getting a it repetitive. This match had complicated rules, which I can't be bothered to explain, it was for the ECW championship. Christian starts off against Jack Swagger, a 3rd fighter joins about 2 minutes later, then a final 4th a couple minutes after that. They can pin each other as many times as they want, whoever had the last pin when the time runs out, wins. Finley was the 3rd, then finally we got Tommy Dreamer, who was the champion and still is at the end of the match. I'm quickly watching the match again now, yeah this match is pretty good, it gets real mental at the end, I was glad Dreamer keeps the belt at the end. Mark Henry was the last one to join.