Boring life stuff and Books within the Buffy Universe

I always have this urge to read my last post, how strange because it was only yesterday. Is it some kind of vanity? I wasn't going to write a blog post today but to hell with it, I've got a little time left.

Not feeling too good today which is a little odd because I felt kind of optimistic when I woke up this morning, while I was laying there before I got out of bed. However I did feel a bit unrest-ed, it's taken me way too much of my life to realise this happens when I go to bed any time after about 1am. Yeah 1pm sounds late anyway but that's fairly early for me. It seems that it doesn't matter if I stay in bed an extra hour if I go to sleep at about 2am, I still feel tired.

Feeling a bit crap today is also a bit odd because I've been in quite a good mood for quite some time now, possibly about a month or more. I've been happy with my progress with things but today, thinking about my goals makes me feel like they're incredible far away. Some of the "self-help" and philosophy stuff I watch say you should have goals but don't actually focus on them; focus on small hurdles instead. So generally I've been happy with small steps of progress but today it's all feeling a bit pointless.

Reason being? Well I'm getting that nagging sensation again that I'm focusing on the wrong things in life. Should I be out there interesting with people more? I feel lonely, I'm on my own all the time. Yeah, we're still kinda in lock-down, but there's a LOT of people out there doing things. The things I'm studying are supposed to lead to work, but all the studying is alone. I've had some drive lately but it's hard to keep that up all the time when there's no one around to help me or to teach me. We can learn a lot of things on our own instead but there's this annoying human thing we can't get rid of called emotion. Our emotions are probably simply connected to our old survival and reproduction instincts, sadly, but we can't get rid of them and we'd be soulless robots without them.

That actually makes me wonder why we bother to do thing.

And then THAT last sentence makes me realise all I'm doing is having anxiety over the ultimate question us humans always ask - What is the meaning of life? The one that everyone wonders about and struggles with, so I shouldn't bother with it right now.

BUFFY! God, anyone reading this will think I'm obsessed. I don't remember where I left off yesterday so I'll just randomly jump in.

I bought one of the first Buffy books online, it was about £3 including postage and it arrived fast. I've read a bit of it and it's not bad. I read a review of it online which said it was good so that's why I bought it. However I then checked the other "reviews" on the Buffy fan site and they were mostly very short and just basic summaries of the story. In fact that's giving them too much credit, they were more like "This is one where the Buffy gang are fighting ghosts" and that's about it.

Looking at other Buffy books online, looks like they're all cheap and most of them have pretty crap covers. The cover for this one is pretty good though, probably because is a photo that was probably taken for the book itself. Most of the others later on look like just screenshots from the show or the kind of promo photos they take on set while they're shooting.

Oh yeah, I should actually say what it's called - Halloween Rain. It's not the first book set in the Buffy universe but it's the first that takes place within the timeline of the TV series. I'm quite obsessed with consuming all media in chronological order but the earlier books didn't sound interesting to me. They're all set hundreds of years before and are about all the old vampire characters. Angel, Spike, Drusilla, etc. I really like these characters and even though coincidentally the episodes I've been watching have had flashbacks lately, I'm not interested in them when they aren't interacting with the main characters like Buffy, Xander, etc.

The flashbacks in the show are short anyway and often have some kind of thematic connection to the story that's happening in the present. I somehow doubt the books do that. Also, even though these old books are official, they aren't cannon. I assume they were at first when no one cared but then the TV shows went on for quite some time so canonical issues started to pop up - They aren't written by the shows writers, you see. Of course they aren't. However they naturally take place within certain seasons, the one I've started on starts in season 1, unsurprisingly. The Wikipedia pages give nice details about the problems and the problem with this first book was obvious from the start of me reading it.

It's about Halloween and it was written insanely early, I think it says online that only a couple of episodes had aired while it was being written. So it's before the episode in-which it's established that Halloween is in fact a quite night for evil in the Buffyverse (yes it's actually called that). Again, a nic little clever idea from the show writers but the book writers couldn't have foreseen that, they went with the typical idea that Halloween is the best night for evil to do... evil stuff.

That one is not a big issue and I can easily live with it while reading because even though they say it's a quiet night in the show, you're seeing them saying this in a Halloween episode so of course something wacky is going to happen. In fact Halloween episodes are some of my favorites.

My half an hour time limit ran out seven minutes ago, that went incredible fast. I should just get a picture of that first book and put it on here and leave. Oh I forgot to say, the weirdly old looking Buffy photos I've used on here in old posts, it's clear to me now that they're from these books. I haven't come across the other books yet though. Also there's a version of the photo taken for Halloween Rain online which doesn't have the book title on it. They're clearly stages and unlike other photos, the characters are always looking at the camera, which feels weird because they ever do that in the show, of course.

Bye.

I thought I was on here the day before yesterday but looking back, it is revealed that my last post was four days ago already, it really doesn't feel like that is the case. I guess time isn't going slowly for me anymore, like it did at the start of the lock-down.

Can't believe I blabbered so much about the virus the other day, how lame and pedestrian of me. Well I guess it would only be interesting to me and seeing as I'm likely the only one to read it in the future, it's OK. I'm also definitely only going to write for half an hour this time, I went way over the other day.

I think said in my last post that I was going to write about how my frame of mind (and I guess life) has changed so much since lock-down, I don't think I'm going to bother now though, I can't be bothered. Basically I've been feeling pretty good, which is odd for me and makes me realise even more how utterly miserable I am most of the time. Or least, I usually am until lately. I won't go into my feelings at the moment but I will say more of what has changed literally in my physical world, I'll try to keep it short because I want to write about Buffy and I'm already feeling the half an hour tick by rapidly.

I don't think I was doing these things when I was writing on here in the early days of the lock-down; I have a notebook which I've been using to list what I should do each day. It is not rigid, it can evolve and it was/is a way to also keep track of how much time I was waiting. Also to see my habits more clearly. One doesn't always see what they're doing and how much time they're spending on said things all the time, until one writes them down. Or, I guess, if you recorded every second of your days like you're on a reality TV show like Big Brother. And yes I know is an old school reference to a show which was massive but is now virtually dead. I think it's still around but last time I heard, it's been relegated to a Freeview channel somewhere. Freeview also sounding very old fashioned to me now, too.

So yeah I do these lists and they've really helped. I've become more productive, I've been drawing, learning how to make music, learning how to make overlays for Streamlabs OBS and re-setting up everything to stream again. I did used to do it but I totally re-installed everyone on my PC about a month ago because it was getting kinda slow.

I also sorted out my messy email inbox, I give 30 minutes a day to keeping the flat tidy, I have a 1 minute power nap in the middle of the day and I commit 15 minutes a day to sorting out all my files which are on my PC and external hard drives. I think that last one will take forever at that pace but I feel it's a good idea not to give too much time to non-essential or non-learning things. Tidying files is slightly useful in the long run but it's not life threatening and one could live the rest of their life without having all their files neatly sorted and named properly.

I also only go on social media for 15 minutes a day although it's been more like half an hour a day for the past week, sometimes longer. That's not too bad though. I'm doing this because it genuinely stresses me out. I like talking to friends but, well, it's hard to explain. Just look up on YouTube why social media and smart phones are bad. I feel like some would think those videos are stupid but those issues they explain are so real for me that it's insane, and these problems started for me before I'd ever known others had similar issues.

Oh also I've been working out more, strangely, more than I used to when I went to the gym. Which is perhaps quite telling especially considering the fact that I was already quite happy with the amount of time I was spending at said gym. I think there's some other things I've been doing but I feel like moving on now, perhaps I'll talk about them another day.

One thing that hasn't changed much is me watching Buffy at night, it's my wind down time. I switch off my phone (which I rarely look at now anyway and I uninstalled Messenger again though not entirely to avoid Messenger - my phone is dying so can't handle Messenger anymore) and sit on the sofa in front of the biggest CRT I have. Yeah it's that one with the dodgy speaker but I've found out I don't even have to hit it often, it just comes on itself quite quickly. Also I feel like it goes oddly dark sometimes but it's fine, it's not bad. I mean we all never used to care that much about the differing qualities between CRT's back in the day.

I have so much to say but my alarm is deffo going to go off soon. I'm on season 5 of Buffy now so I'm quite a way through it, there's 7 seasons in all. I started watching Angel as well, according to the order of its and Buffy's original release - Season 1 of Angel started at the beginning of season 4 of Buffy, so I'm now on season 2 of Angel. I had a quick look online when I started Angel, looks like it was aired on TV on the same week as Buffy, Buffy going first. No wait, it may have actually been the same night each week with Angel airing after Buffy. I don't know if they kept that up but I'm probably going to follow that way until I've seen them all. In other words, I watch one episode of Angel after I've seen one episode of Buffy.

I have so much to say about these wonderful shows but my time is up and guess what, I'm going to watch some of them now. There's so many new or newish films and TV shows that I perhaps should watch instead, but no, I'm going to possible pull myself even further away from people now. What I mean by that is media is a good way to connect with others, it's a good thing to talk about, even can be a good ice breaker - "Hay, did you see the new ep of...". I've often struggled to find things to talk to people about but TV and film has helped me out a lot. But possibly no more, because I'm watching an ancient show. I'm sure a lot of people think of it as ancient, anyway. What give me a weird feeling is that season 5 of Buffy feels more modern than season 1 (of course) but even season 5 is... 20 years old!

Oh god.

I'm off, ciao.

It's been a while since I last posted, not nearly as long a gap as before, of course, it's only been two months, not eleven years! I'd forgotten that there was a gap that massive. Writing this, I only saw that it's been almost exactly two months, I'm only one day over!

Most of my more recent posts have been about the Covid-19, the Coronavirus, whatever you want to call it, and the TV show 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. I don't know why I had to say the 'the TV show', even if anyone else was reading this, they probably would have heard of it or had at least seen a little of my previous posts. I'm temped to go back and read all my posts before writing this one but it would be a waste of time at this point. As usual, life has changed so I haven't been writing here like I was almost every day before. I say it's changed but it's only been two months and things haven't changed much, actually. What I really mean is that my state of mind has changed a bit.

Random aside - I was already logged into Blogger when I came here to write this, that's a little scary considering I've completed wiped my PC and re-installed it since I last wrote on here. I only just noticed that... Blogger is owned by Google? I forgot this fact or never knew it, I guess it detected my account from Chrome but I'm still surprised because I didn't think I'd synced up my account with my Chrome install. Oh well.

And yes I have gone back to just writing whatever comes to mind without thinking it through. I mean, I don't think I've done anything other than that since I've returned to this blog but I vaguely recall saying or at least deciding that I'd take more time thinking about what I'm going to write.

I should get on with this and stop talking nonsense because I'm running out of time, I do want to write more often in this blog but I've only given myself half an hour today. I'll probably only give myself half an hour a day (not every day) to write on here because any more and it would feel like a waste of time. Writing on here isn't exactly important though it might be good at clearing my mind, now that I think about it (ironic, perhaps).

It's the 31st of May 2020 but I probably won't finish this today, I'll write the rest tomorrow and probably post it then. Actually, why? I may as well post this when the alarm goes off which is probably very soon. Probably won't have a picture and I probably won't get around to posting about Buffy, just like before. And yes, I'm still watching it.

Which reminds me, why am I still sometimes writing like anyone else is reading this? I guess someone may read it one day, could be a long time from now, though I honestly think there's a good chance that the only person reading this in the future will be myself. Even though it would possibly be a waste of time, I really can see myself reading these dumb posts when I'm far older. Actually, hopefully not because I think I'd have to be pretty depressed to re-visit these.

I had a quick look back at my older posts, the ones that were written after the eleven year gap, there are no comments, unsurprisingly. That doesn't mean no ones read them but come on, why would anyone read them? Unless I sent links to this to friends, I don't think anyone's even going to find this blog. I'm honestly not sure if I even want anyone to read it, I don't know how I feel about. Though if anyone DID read them in the future, myself included, it would definitely look like I'm lonely and I really want others to read and comment on these. I am lonely, especially since lock-down but like I've said before - These is a curtain feeling of solace and calmness from the thought that no one reads this stuff. I use the word 'calmness' in an attempt to describe the oppose of anxiety, which I experience when confronted with almost everything nowadays.

I'm surprised the alarm hasn't gone off yet! So I'll quickly try to write about what has changed since I last wrote on here. As I did mention changes at the start of this post (I just checked, I have three minutes). Well, lock-down is still in effect but some places will be allowed to open tomorrow on the 1st and then even more on the 15th, this is all in June of course. Some friends I've spoken to have said that things will be strict still even after the 15th but I honestly think that life will mostly feel normal again.

(The alarm has gone off but I'll finish my thoughts)

I say this because there's a difference between what they say on the news and what real life is actually like. Though this may be just from my point of view but I'm afraid that's all I can go off, as I can only see through my own eyes. I've been seeing a lot more people outside since summer properly hit us about a month ago, there's only so many months of warning and fear that the public can take, it starts to fall on deaf ears after a while. I'm not judging by the way, in case anyone else DOES read this, haha. Though what I'm about to say could still possibly be looked down upon.

I just don't care anymore. I don't think it's wrong or annoying if people break the rules and I don't care if people follow the rules strictly and take the virus very seriously. I don't think they're wrong either. It's just human nature, that's what people are going to do.

There are various different types of ways that people are reacting to the lock-down now and there's more than just two. One of the most interesting ones which I think most people don't think about is this - People who have fooled themselves that they are playing by the rules, that they are socially distancing and stuff. Yes, being two metres away from others will help, but now that people are going out, I see a lot of parts of Nottingham look almost as busy as it used to be. How much safer are you really if you're distancing but you're out all day around a hundred other people? And then these people clearly turned a blind eye to the twenty times a day they walk right next to someone because it would be a pain to get out of the way on a narrow pathway. Nottingham has a lot of narrow pathways by the way and people rarely bothered to get two metres away even at the start of lock-down, come to think of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm similar to these people apart from one fact - I'm not fooling myself. I get it, I really do, we want to go out and do more things and see more people. And they're luckier than me, I'm out alone almost all the time while they're out in big groups. What annoys me though is how no one talks about breaking the rules because they're afraid to be judged, even though most people are doing it. Or, like I said, what's even worse is the people fooling themselves into thinking you're fine. I find it funny at shops where there's a distanced line outside and inside at the checkouts, but everyone, including myself, are going around picking items up off the shelves just like they used to. Going right next to each other because we can't be bothered to wait 10 seconds for that dude to get away from the banana stand. Those 10 seconds feel like an eternity. Even after they put arrows on the floor to make people, I dunno, follow them while distancing like we're in some big maze, I've never seen a single person use them.

I guess what's going through peoples heads, maybe subconsciously is "I'm two metres away, but hay, if I just quickly grab that apple, I'll be 1cm away from that lady for only 1 second."

I guess that still helps, you're still further way from others for longer periods of time. But these thousands of products have been touched by others and how many thousands of people have breathed all over that can of beans before I picked it up and put it in my basket? That's why I quickly stopped wearing a mask to Tesco, it was like putting a little plaster on a gaping wound. There's so many variables that there's no point trying to keep track of them or doing one thing, while there's another hundred things giving you germs.

Oops, I probably wrote for almost an extra half an hour! Hopefully tomorrow I'll talk about how my mental state has changed since my last post two months ago. Also Buffy and Angle, which I'm sure are the least interesting things for anyone else to read about. Listen to me, still considering the idea that others read this, haha.