Preamble
I'm so used to dark mode in almost everything now, that writing this in Bloggers usual editor is a pain, so I'm using Notepad++ to write the draft. Using my new monitor made it worse, I'm not used to the clinical look of whites that appear on it and the text was too small at first. Oddly, changing the resolution from 2k to 4k seems to made the text a little bigger... I think? Actually I look to see if there's any options in Notepad++ to make the text even bigger. I'm getting old, this text is too small! Also I can fix the white tones later on the monitor settings, of course (if I can be bothered). Wow, I just zoomed in a lot in Notepad++, that's a lot better.
Getting to the Point
Right, well, here I am again and I've given myself half an hour as usual and as usual, I'll probably break that rule by far. It doesn't help that I spent the first five minutes messing around with other things. Also I started off, as usual, by reading my previous post but I stopped quickly when I realised that A- I didn't have the time and B- It was starting off a lot like I was planning this post to be. That's slightly disturbing. And, well, here is that rather repetitious "Intro", or whatever it is (imaging a slightly sarcastic tone when reading some of the next paragraph)
The Intro
Well, wow, look at this then, it's been ages YET AGAIN since I last wrote on here. I said that in my last post but there was "only" an eight month gap I think, while there's well over a year gap this time. I'm honestly surprised it has been that long, which is another thing I said in the last post. But come to think of it, I'm actually shocked this time, has it really been that long? Quite scary really. My half hour has ran out by the way and look how little I've wrote. Not only that but I've basically written nothing so far, why am I writing such unimportant nonsense? I will stay on for a bit longer but it is getting pretty late.
I thought I had a lot of good stuff to say but perhaps not... I'm not sure. Anyway moving on... I've probably also said this before - Coming back to this blog, it reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I wonder if from an outsiders point of view, it makes me look like a mega fan. While in truth, I haven't consumed any Buffy media since several posts ago. Which if judging by how long even the past post was, has been longer ago than I thought. On a side note, I might read some more of my last post after I've finished writing this. Because, well, it seems I am obsessed with myself and again I will point out that I don't think anyone reads this blog and I'm oddly OK with that. Though perhaps Blogger staff read everything everyone posts? I don't think I've ever considered that and thinking about it slightly takes away the magical idea that I'm posting into the void. I shouldn't worry though, staff probably only read entries if their system flags any illegal activities in peoples posts, I assume.
But What About My Life?
I should write about my actual life, shouldn't I. Even if I'm the only one who reads this back later (in months or years), I should wrote more than just nonsense relating to, well, writing this blog and technical issues. That kinda stuff will most likely not interest my future self. SO yeah, how is my life? Well, I think I usually only write on here when I'm feeling extra weird and depressed, which I am right. I am often depressed but that is not enough to make me write on here, I have to feel odd too. I guess it what makes me write on here is a sort of in between feeling of sadness. In the (luckily) rare cases when I'm incredibly depressed, I will not feel like writing on here, so I have to be in this between state.
Come to think of it I am pretty low right now. This is perhaps as low as I go because my brain no longer (hopefully) lets me hit rock bottom anymore because it's not worth it. That might sound odd but... umm I can't explain it. I think my brain has put up some blocks over the past few years which signs on them saying "Don't go beyond this point, there's no point because anything is better than being insanely miserable". Of course, saying all this might invite fate, I may now get worse than this later... In fact while writing I realise that of course things can get worse and they probably will... they will for sure... I don't want to think about it so let's move on.
How do I feel right now? I feel so old. I really hated hitting 40 last year, it was harrowing. 40 is an age which is significant to humans for some reason, I think it is considered the official 'You are definitely, not remotely young anymore. You are an old man or woman'. A few months later I told myself that I'm over that hurdle now, that 41 is going to be easy because of it. But I can't believe I'm already only a few months away from turning 41 and it feels pretty damn bad all over again. Now I'm thinking about how fast time seems to move, I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I actually found a bit of a remedy to it but I haven't practised it much and that is because it's hard. This segways into a new topic.
I'm Addicted to Media, I'm just a CONSUMER
Sounds kinds pathetic typing it out now... I quit TV and YouTube for four, well... three days. I wanted to quit it for seven days but I crumbled. The one new thing I learnt it that it made time go slower, so I should do it if I don't want my life to seem like it is flying by. I am so terrified of dying now. The only other thing it brought to mind was what I already new - I'm addicted to watching screens. It's a problem, it really is. It's a hard thing to stop now because my brain has got used to it over decades. Ironically I'm mostly talking about TV and YouTube, not video games. Perhaps if I suddenly started to play loads of games again I'd take this back but, currently, and for a long time now, to me I think playing games would be more healthy than watching TV all the time. It takes more brain power and also feels like I'm achieving something. On the other hand it will wouldn't be achieving much, would it?
Dead by Daylight
Oh gosh, speaking of which that's made me realise I hadn't started playing Dead by Daylight when I last wrote on here. I started playing it about a year ago and it's pretty much the only game I've played that whole time. Even though I was just talking about how I don'y play many games anymore, that is sort of not true - I've played about a thousand hours of DbD it's not the same thing I was talking about in the above paragraph. I haven't been playing it instead of TV, I've been playing it AS WELL as TV. Plus it doesn't feel like I'm achieving anything because it is just the one game and it also has a sort of gambling mentality to it. That's not quite the right of explaining it - Some of the game has addictive elements which I think are taken from the psychology behind gambling addiction. This is nothing new in video games, most people don't even think about it anymore, it's common but it's new to me. I'm so behind in some aspects of the video games world which is another thing I should fix. DbD was the first game I'd played like this even though it recently turned six (or seven?) years old and I only started it a year ago.
Another new thing to me is having Steam tell me how long I've played a game. Besides Ultra Street Fighter IV, I hadn't played many Steam games before even though I own a load on there. Which I know is a cliche thing to say at this point, I've bought a load of cheap Steam games over the years just like a lot of people. There's also a big gap before DbD when I played nothing on Steam at all, I think. Thing is... I can't deny that DbD is fun but it gives me some bad feelings after playing it sometimes, unlike the satisfied feelings I got every night after playing some Parasite Eve. Which reminds me...
Are Old Video Games Just Better For Me?
I added the 'for me' bit because of course video games aren't WORSE now, it's all subjective. I keep pushing myself to play old games after Parasite Eve but I keep failing, I'm going to keep trying though because I honestly think it'll be better for me. There are several reason but I'll say one - They're what I'm used to. Or, they are what my old self is used to. I haven't actually played many old games over, what, ten, fifteen years? But I still think I'll feel right at home if I get back into them. By the way I'm mostly refering to old games that I haven't played before, this is all culminating in the fact that even though I'm a big games fan and I know a lot about them, I have an embarrassing list of classics that I haven't played. Not a literal list, it's in my head. One reason I hesitate is because the list is so long.
Parasite Eve
On a related note and going back to what I mentioned earlier, when did I actually play it? I didn't think it was that long ago but evidently I have a terrible time keeping track of time. judging from how long ago my last post was here. I played it in the Covid Pandemic but I thought it was quite close to the end. Maybe not? I mean the pandemic messed with peoples perception of time but I've still been struggling with it even after it ended.
Anyway there was a lot more I wanted to say and this has been the WORST post for rambling ever but it's so late, I must go. I this post may be very uninteresting to myself in the future because I rarely spoke about anything specific, like one big thing I was going to talk about was my bad dream concerning an old relationship. That's the main reason I feel down today. I'll talk about it another time if I remember to do so. I really should go do some exercising in the park now.
