Depression and the Virus

It's already almost 20:00 while I write this, unbelievable. Today went faster than yesterday even though I got up earlier, to be fair though it was only about 45 minutes earlier. I also got even less done, oh wait, I haven't got anything done in a while, I guess what I mean is that I was even further away from getting anything done than usual. It's odd because I felt like I'd have more drive today, after doing that hand-stand against a tree yesterday. Even writing that now, it already feels like a feeble achievement, that's comparing myself to others again, remember it's better to beat your own records, not others.

The main reason today was different was because I had a sudden urge to stream or at least set up the stream after breakfast. I then spent a while getting my MiSTer to dual output between VGA and HDMI but I had issues, I kind of got it working but I wasn't satisfied with the results. The image quality on the screen I'd be playing on was a bit rubbish so what's the point. The MiSTer continues to be a disappointment, I'm rarely disappointing with my games related purchases come to think of, in fact have I ever been disappointing any any of them? I'm getting buyers remorse and may sell it.

After that (I didn't stream) I decided to go out even though I was planning not to today, I called my mum on the way there and while I talked through the part. It was colder today, that wasn't the reason I wasn't going to go out though. This morning I had this kind of resentment towards my new routine, even though I've only been doing it for like what, a week, less? Was that because I realised I have no choice but to do that routine now? I can't really change it, I don't think.

After failing with the MiSTer I've had a feeling of caring little and having little motivation today. After I got home I decided to stream just my webcam, something I've never done before, usually I'd be playing a game. No one watched of course. I did speak but to be fair I was walking around and sometimes I wasn't even in camera. Now the thing is I totally understand why no one talks in chat or watches so why did I bother to do it? It was awful just like I predicated, it was basically me talking to myself but it's worse. At least normally I probably wouldn't be talking to myself and I'd be mulling things over in my head. I'm not sure if they're both as delusional as each other or whether that's a good thing, because not streaming and mulling things over feels better. It feels like I'm figuring things out in my head and building confidence, but now that I'm writing about it, does that ever lead to anything productive anyway? No, not really. So I stopped streaming because just like when I stream a game, it adds an extra layer of loneliness. Playing a game on my own is really fun, but playing a game on my own while online suddenly feels crap even though on the surface I'm doing the same thing. I guess it's simply that ones frame of mind changes when you're streaming it.

More Buffy the Vampire Slayer (kinda)

I realised it makes it makes more sense to write my intro which usually has something to do with the virus, that's the part that's becoming more like a diary by each day. I'm already regretting what I just wrote because it shows my insecurities rather clearly. But, and I know I say this constantly, no one besides perhaps a family member will (probably) ever read this. Even that family member will probably skim over the media and self-centred related stuff, which is... most of it.

Myself and others are more limited in our lives at the moment, due to the virus, as if I need to say the reason all the time. But I realised that while in-doors I'm no more limited than I usually am, what I'm trying to say is that I could actually do other stuff around this time than watch Buffy. I could watch other shows or films, or play video games. I already started thinking this a day or two ago but I keep going back to Buffy instead. Like I said before, I guess it's because it's a comfort blanket.

It does nonetheless make me feel sad, in both popular meanings of the word. I could write about the show more and I probably will soon but I feel like saying more about the feelings I get while watching it. If I can think of any. I think I have some but I'm currently writing off the cuff so I'm not sure - The picture I chose today, it came up when I put in season 2 so I guess it's some kinda promotional photo for that season. I kind of said it in an earlier post, that some of these photos make me more aware of how old the show is than when I'm actually watching it. There's something exceedingly old fashioned about this style of photo, it makes me feel old and then I think about how these actors will be a lot older now too, I think I want to avoid looking up what they look like now. I have of course seen some of them accidentally in the past, the Willow and Angel actors are the ones that come to mind.

I forgot to mention that when I started re-watching the show, I realised that the characters are supposed to be my age, season 1 is 1997 and the main school dwelling characters are 16, that's for of them. I was 16 in 1997 too and I don't think I ever thought about this when I used to watch the show. I'm pretty sure I didn't think or care about my age back then, oh how things have changed. I'm sure most of the actors were older than their characters though, I think this was common practice until fairly recently in-which we now get younger actors playing their real ages.

How 16 year old Brits acted in real life in 1997 was completely different from how American teens were in Buffy, come to think of it. Alien, even. Incredibly different. I reckon Buffy was quite realistically acted at the time, compared to older shows, but still far from actual real life. Just think about shows like sitcoms and even dramas were before 1997, the scripts, how people acted was very unreal.

Actual Direct Buffy Talk

It's already been 40 minutes, unbelievable. I need to get through this so I can go watch more. I actually made notes to I'll go through them now and write about them. They are useful because I was forgetting stuff before. Actually I'm going to try to be more brief in my writings about Buffy today, as in, I'll get to the point quicker.

Jennifer Calendar

I mean't to say this several days ago - I completely forgot this character existed and after that I still kept thinking you was so minor that you'd just vanish after one or two episodes, but she kept coming back every time I thought that. I figured she was so dull and unimportant that they weren't even going to explain why she wasn't in the show anymore, you know like in other shows when a person simply doesn't turn up anymore and you often don't even notice. But no, Jenny appeared in  the eighth episode of season 1 and was in quite a lot of episodes up until her death in "Passion" which is the seventeenth episode of season 2. I do want to point out though that season 1 was shorter than all other seasons at a count of 12 episodes.

The word 'dated' is a confusing one and I should look up its definition before writing about it but I'm not going to. I'm going to say that Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn't dated in the rotatory sense of the word, but Jenny being a "Technopagan" is one small thing which is definitely dated! I mean, Technopagan? It sounds ridiculous, luckily it's not used much after her first episode, if I at all. Her debut is in 'I Robot, You Jane' and it is rather nostalgic to see the old PC's in the this episode, how they were used, the terminology and what the characters thought of them. I'm sure this entire episode is 'dated', depending on ones definition of the word, I just don't think it's a bad kind of dated.

I find it funny how there's a load of PC's set up in the library but only for this episode, though to be fair you do get to see PC's in later episodes in a computer class or something, where Jenny is the teacher. Jenny's main role is love interest to Giles, she has to do something else though so she sometimes, rarely, helps the Buffy team (I'll call them the Scooby Gang from now on) to do research. Now the thing is her role as Technopagan is rarely utilised because what would that entail? In the show it's essentially no different from being someone who is good at using computers, even that is being generous. All that ends up happening is shes in the same role as Willow in those scenes where someone will ask her to look something up. Willow will use a computer or book while they usually make a point to make it clear that Jenny will be using a computer instead.

I found Jenny not to have much of a personally but I found it a little odd how pissed off Giles and Buffy was with her when she's revealed to be a member of the Gypsies who "cursed" Angel to get his soul back. She did very little to scorn them and was against screwing with Angel and Buffy's lives. I guess the narrative was that they disliked the fact that she didn't tell them that she was there to keep an eye on Angel, whatever that means. Her keeping an eye on him didn't seem to consist of her doing anything. The thing is even by this early point in the show, Buffy and Giles had experienced more extreme stuff than Jenny keeping a secret so it didn't ring true to me.

Don't get me wrong the though, the show is fantastic. I'm writing like I think it's bad but it's just nit-picking, it's easier to write about the small flaws than the good stuff. For me anyway. I'd say the show is the best drama / comedy I've seen in my life, best pure comedy probably goes to Seinfeld.

Next - After Jenny is killed by Angel, he leaves her dead body at Giles house and there's important details to this which I'm not going to bother saying but this is the darkest scene in the show by that point, by far. This was in the episode called "Passion". This show in general has this interesting thing going in-which it's usually comical or wacky but then it does some incredibly serious stuff, especially for the time. Actually not many shows do that even now, honestly I think Bojack Horseman might be the closest thing to it since.

Ted

I'm not going to say much about this episode because I want to go and I didn't keep this brief like I said I was going to. Basically this episode is great. It's dark, kind of up there with the Jenny death I mentioned above. It's different though. All I'll say is the scenes in-which Ted starts talking down to and aggressively at Buffy are shockingly disturbing to me for some reason. There's this domestic abuse angle which I think really works because Buffy is portrayed as vulnerable, something we aren't used to seeing the character be. This comes through with the top-notch acting these two are doing in these scenes.

Imagine if that episode ended with the bit where Buffy killed Ted. Maybe the writers didn't have the guts to do something like that this early on. Later, they'd make episodes like the one in-which Buffy's mum dies, they were certainly brave by then.

This end up having nothing to do with Buffy

I missed the chance to use this image in my first Buffy posted it could have been more fitting because it's the season 1 DVD cover. Actually I could just go back and change it couldn't I, but can't be arsed. Also I'd have to change some text. I wanted to still use it because it feels iconic to me.

My Day

Today was another day in our new reality which came about due to the virus, and yes I rarely called it Corona or Covid-19 anymore because it sounds more dramatic saying just 'the virus'. I feel like I'm getting a little more used to my new routine, though what I really should be doing is getting used to the idea that routines are sometimes bad because life doesn't stay the same. This virus has proved that and I'm not the only one who has started to contemplate this.

Today and yesterday went very fast, mostly because I've been getting up gradually later and later. I need to stop this because I don't have much time to so anything and I have less time to go out while it's warm. I went to the park today and randomly decided to learn how to hand-stand. I can't do it of course and but I was fairly happy with my slight progress in the measurement of staying on my hands for a second or two longer than when I started. So my record is probably only something like three seconds but really that time is just managing to fall slower than before. However after this, I decided to hand-stand against a tree, I figured this would help me get used to being upside down and give me confidence later with the free hand-stands. At first I couldn't do it, kind of throwing my back towards the tree felt scary plus I was a bit tired from the normal hand-stands. But with my problems in life, my stress, anxiety and the virus making things worse, I really pushed my self and was just like 'fuck it'. I managed to push through and I did it, I got upside down, even managed to do it a couple of times. This is was massive achievement for me, the feeling of accomplishment was immense.

It may have been an important moment for me. I think I've wasted so much of my life, from about my mid-twenties till now, I'm almost forty so that's over ten years. I'm trying to figure it out in my head right now - It's the internet, that's what I've been wasting my time with. Not video games, the internet. Maybe a tad bit of TV, I'll throw that in there. The thing is, I don't have much regret about those things, especially video games. I have fond memories of playing them and they led to the majority of the jobs I've had over the years, they also led me to meeting my best friends, then and now.

So what do I mean by 'the internet'? The thing I'm realising now, which is quite possibly true, is that the internet is a wonderful source of information but I've become addicted to it while not using that information for practical uses. So I'm not saying the internet is an evil thing, what's happened is my own fault. There are many things you can do with your days which aren't productive but those things are more obvious than the internet. I'll be sitting online reading about interesting history or reading guides on something, it'll feel more like I'm achieving something than say, watching TV. It's deceptive or rather, it deceived me anyway. I guess it's a bit like those old depictions of "nerds" who spend all their time reading in libraries, sure you learn stuff but you're not actually doing much. If there was video footage of it, it's just someone sitting there looking at a book, in my case (and I'm sure others) a screen. This could also be extended to the current worries that many people have in the world that lots spend too much time looking at their phones.

Really there's not much difference, you could be looking at something quite insightful on your phone but you still could be doing something more productive instead. Though with phones you're more than likely not looking at something educational, it'll probably be messages from mates. It all depends on time, all these things are fine in moderation, I think my addiction to the internet has been a gradual thing. I'm old enough to have been around when it became common place, I vaguely remember things like eBay and Google starting off, I was an early adopter and was lucky enough to be in a household who got the internet at home fairly early.

Then the second big great / awful thing came into existence; YouTube. This, being a part of the internet of course, is just an extension to my addiction, but I think it made things worse. Not only did it continue the false feelings of achievement but also added a 'living vicariously through others' factor to my life. This is a concept I've known about for a while but didn't think about it much and I don't think I ever thought I'd be a victim of it. However I recently realised that it's possibly what I'm doing almost all of the time when I'm watching YouTube. I don't mean I pretend I'm the people in the video but it is kind of along those lines, it's more of a subconscious thing. It really hit home for me the other week when after deciding to get back into drawing, I found a show on YT called The Drafsmen Show, or something like that. It's really good, it feels me with positively but I watched all twenty nine episodes and the episodes are long by the way. I spent many hours watching it, plus I've spent many hours in the past watching tutorial videos on several subjects on YT.... INSTEAD of actually doing those things. Tutorials are fine, they're good, but only if you put them into practice. I realise I usually don't so why do I feel like I've accomplished something? I think it's because I'm sort of living vicariously through whoever is on the screen or even just the stuff that's being produced on screen. I think a part of my subconscious is happy with seeing tutorials, thinks "yeah, I could do that" and then moves on, it doesn't actually need to practice them. Basically I've been fooling myself and I'm an idiot for not realising it sooner.

If anyone is reading this you may be thinking I'm over thinking this, that may be true but that doesn't matter because the result is the same - It could be simplified into a form of laziness, if others have experienced this same thing as me, they may have just labelled it as laziness without knowing how they got there and that's fine.

Anyway I was going to talk about Buffy but I've been writing for almost an hour and I want to go and actually watch it. My plan is go to bed earlier tonight, get up earlier and get more done tomorrow. I started writing the amount of time I spend on each thing in a notebook, in the hope that it'll help me become more productive.

Still Writing about Buffy in 2020, Alone

I added the picture first this time, before writing the post, instead of it being the last thing I do. That's really not important but it ended up feeling a bit odd to me when I'd add the picture last.

This first bit isn't about Buffy

Random aside, I noticed there's an ancient post of mine called 'Lost Season 3 Episode 16 - Sayid for the WIN!'. I find it kind of funny that I mentioned Lost in my post, not remembering I actually wrote about it. Let's have a look when that was... Oh my god 2007?! Lost really doesn't feel that old until I picture where I was living when it was on. I can't even remember who Sayid is.

I've realised that writing this blog is mostly like a diary to me, I probably won't ever write anything very personal though. If I did, it would only be a hand full of very negative, self-deprecating things anyway. I think I've finally figured out the mixed feelings I have about writing here - I feel the need to share it with people because many things in life can feel pointless until others see them. On the other hand having no one know or care about it gives me a strong feeling of relief, the pressure to impress is mostly gone, I say mostly because it is of course online, so there is a chance someone is reading this close to now or in the future. The feeling is also one of odd defiance; writing shallow stuff here about TV shows and video games even though no on but myself may read it. If you do read this though, please leave a comment so I know!

The idea of things being pointless unless others seeing them is an issue of mine that I've been tackling for months now, it's something that effects everything and I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I'm writing a lot earlier than I did last night and I haven't even started watching Buffy yet, I'm not going to spend as long writing this time though. Today went really fast due to the fact that I've been getting up later and later each day since this virus happened. It's hard to get up when there's little to do and no one to see, well besides the few strangers that are out when I need to get food or get some exorcise. I'd like to remind everyone that going out for these two things IS allowed, there seems to be some misunderstanding going on in-which people are shamed for going out at all, this is incorrect.

The character of Spike (back on the subject of Buffy)

Spike is properly introduced in season 2 and is in many but not all episodes. Even though I haven't seen the show in ages I reckon I can give an accurate account of the four character arcs he goes through - Formidable regular villain, comically inept villain, good guy and then Buffy love interest. He's definitely one of the characters who changes the most, maybe number one. Funny thing about spike is that even back when it was newish, I remember thinking he's not formidable looking, in fact he looks kind of skinny and dorky. Re-watching the show, I still think this. I also don't like his hair all that much. For some reason I can't remember how I felt about this character besides the dorkyness, like, how I felt about him later in the series. I have a funny feeling that I actually loved him, do I have a slightly clearer memory of thinking he was awesome in Angel. It remains to be seen if these's memories come back.

Willow

I wasn't planning on writing about each character but looks like I'm going to. Willow contends with Spike for the character who changes the most throughout the series. I can't remember the arcs as clearly though. The Oz arc is just starting where I am in season 2 which is right after the two parter mid-season. After that is a big vague (not that it's important), I remember Oz leaves the show, then Willow becomes a lesbian (or bi?) but I think that's not until a while later. She also becomes a powerful good witch at some point and I think she becomes evil for a short time. This is really just me testing and pondering over what I can remember about this show, instead of giving any insight into the characters, sorry.

Buffy

I honestly don't recall her changing that much even though shes the main character. Having seen a season and a half so far, I'm reminded that the character trait of being forced into the slayer role and not having a normal teen life has been there from the start. The show tries to make it look like she changes but all the serious shit she goes through boils down to the same thing - Being a slayer is deadly, hard and stressful. Not that I'm complaining, it's fine and Buffy is great how she is, plus maybe I will stand corrected after I watch some more. I do remember her going through dark stuff but all I remember is that she hates it and then when she gets through it, she embraces the slayer role, and then later more dark shit happens and the cycle repeats.

There's other characters but I can't be bothered to talk about them and I remember them changing very little. Oh wait, there is one who isn't in it much but there's one thing I want to say about her...

Kendra

In part 1 of 'What's My Line' a second slayer is introduced, I can't remember if she ever comes back again but it's not for long if she does.What she does in these two episodes is fine but the only reason I'm bringing her up is because of her accent. She's Jamaican and has what I'm pretty sure is a really bad, fake accent. I'm pretty lame at picking up on the nuances of accents but I'm almost certain this accent is trash. That's all I have to say. Oh, I just read this on Wikipedia -

"The addition of the Jamaican accent to the character was a last-minute decision, and a dialect coach was brought in; he taught Lawson a dialect that was supposedly from a very specific, obscure region of Jamaica, and while the accent may have sounded authentic to that region, to the rest of the cast and crew (and the majority of the viewing audience) it simply sounded like a very bad impersonation of a common Jamaican accent."

Glad I wasn't the only one but sounds like I may have been wrong? I dunno, still sounds bad to me. I also accidentally saw a tiny spoiler in the line after the above paragraph -

"After her death, Kendra was succeeded by Faith Lehane."

Oops. Oh well, she wasn't that great anyway.

Wikipedia

Moving on from talking about characters - I just read that since 2018 there's been talk of a re-boot, that could be good. However reading the Wiki entry makes it sound like there's already controversy and it sounds like Whedon doesn't even like re-boots.

Reading the Buffy Wiki is interesting, looks like the series is or was used in a lot in Academia, possibly more than any other show. I get the feeling though that this started dying out about 10 years ago and the last thing of any significance was in 2014. I don't mean to put the idea down, it's just the Wiki entry makes it sound like such a big deal, while I have this feeling that it's very unlikely anyone in education is using Buffy the Vampire Slayer anymore. Not that it doesn't deserve it, it's just that I doubt many youngsters care at all about Buffy, a show which to them, is archaic.

The Comics

The last season of Buffy is number 7, I remember that they continued the series in comic book form and it's neat how they called it season 8. I'm surprised to find that there's quite a lot of Buffy comics, even ones from before both the Buffy and Angel series ended, I'd like to try to read them after I've finished the shows. I say 'try' because I may have lost interest by then. It's kind of sad for me to see how old even the season 8 comics are, they started in 2007, that's 13 years ago! I remember seeing them in Calamity Comics in Harrow, where I used to live. It makes me feel old, how time flies. However, doing a bit of research, it looks like there's a lot of continuity issues with the Buffy comics, I'm not sure if these are only present in the ones that were released before the show ended, though. Also, I never read the comics back then even though I loved the show, the idea of comic book versions didn't excite me, the idea sounds a bit fake even to me now. Without the actors, without it being an actual show, it may not work for me. Which makes me sad because it reminds me the shows (I'm including Angel) ended a long time ago. Yes, I have issues with change, it's  major problem because change is inevitable.

There's a small bit on Wikipedia in-which it quotes some reactions from the actors concerning parts of the comics. Now they are positive and I hadn't even thought about the idea of the actors reading the comics, but it's clear from this insert that the actors don't read the comics. For some reason this puts me off reading them even more, I know that's stupid but yeah. I mean these quotes are from about 12 years ago so who knows, they may have read them after. Oh god... 12 years ago, why am I even caring about this?

Looks like the comics have been collected into some real cool looking books called 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight Library Edition', so it would be nice to start off with volume one of that. Of course, I could just download scans of them, but I really feel like it would be better to get it in physical form. Not that I can afford it. Hmm, £24.20, high but not bad for a hardback I guess. Looks like these volumes are really expensive on eBay, on the other hand the DVD's popped up as well when I searched, looks like I was wrong the other day, they're really cheap. You can even get the entire series for £50 including postage, that's pretty good. Each season boxset is maximum £5, they're so cheap I feel I should just get them instead of downloading them.

I just realised writing this blog isn't that different from talking to myself. Anyway I'm going, I've been on here for way too long.

Getting Tangential with Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Wow this photo is exceptionally old and 90's looking, more so than most promo pictures for this show are. I'm going to have to spend some more time on Google Images looking at Buffy stuff, but probably not until I've finished the whole show. Again.

I said I was going to post again a day after my last one, I didn't and I thought I missed one day but it's been three, this virus is already making me lose track of time. I may also not post this today, depending on how long it takes to write it plus it's late, it maybe be tomorrow by the time I finish this. I also have a lot to talk about and it normally takes me a long time to write but I don't want to spend too much time on this right now.

I looked back at my reminder, I was going to write about how I want to cut back on social media and YouTube (some may consider YouTube as social media too) but I don't feel like doing that right now. Also I'm not quite as stressed about that as I was then, that's perhaps not exactly a good thing because I'm already watching quite a lot of YouTube after just one day of cutting down. Even then, I still did watch a fair amount on that day. Also I want to point out that my writing may not be very good in this post, I can't be bothered to spend much time on it so it'll probably come out formulaic because I'm writing in a stream of consciousness kind of way. Not that I'm particularly good at writing anyway.

I'm going to write about the TV series called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yes, that's how shallow I am. I'm not thinking about important things or writing about deeper things at the age of 38, I'm writing about 90's TV shows about vampires. Whatever, it's what I need to do write now, physiologically, that is. I've already forgotten why I decided to re-watch it even though it hasn't been that long, a week maybe, maybe less. I may have been a way to take my mind of the Covid-19 virus which has effected me greatly in a very sudden way. It remains to be seen if it suddenly goes away and life for myself and the world goes back to normal. It's certainly making me think a lot about my life and may actually change it for the good. Well, unless it it ruins me outside of the realms of my mental state.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about the bloody virus right now, it's difficult for me not to think about it though! Where do I start? I've been watching Buffy on a fat old CRT TV to get that full nostalgia feeling, anyone who doesn't know me will most likely now instantly think of me in a very different light, and that's fair enough. I have a small collection of CRT TV's which, up until now, were primarily for video games. I guess you could call me a collector but the collecting stopped pretty fast, I got them pretty cheap but they are quickly getting difficult to get plus I don't really need many at all. Oh also it's not like I have much space. Oh.... also I mostly only for Bang & Olufsen ones, even within that brand, I've gradually learnt that there are models which I may as well avoid because, well, there a better ones they've made. Wow I really could have thought out a better way to explain that. So yeah you're probably painting a picture of a sad, nerdy person or in some way a kinda strange person, because even in the world of nerds, who bothers with old TV's anymore? Well I'm not alone and most of them are a lot more hardcore than me. Also why am I writing like this again, my brain keeps going into "what if others read this" mode which completely changes what I think I should be writing. It makes me get the need to explain everything about my life and I keeping going off topic, this is supposed to be about a TV show!

Right... I'm also using an original Xbox to watch Buffy, really just because it's the easiest way, I transfer video files to it and then watch them using a scart cable. I could play actual DVDs on it but I only have season 1 and it's sealed so I don't want to open it. I'm pretty sure it's not worth much at all, I just feel like keeping it that way for some stupid reason. If I find any box-sets in charity stores that would be cool but I had a bit of a look the other week (before everything got shut down due to the virus) and didn't find any. I even went into Cash Generator which has loads of DVDs and they had none, I asked and it sounded like they don't often get them. I think they may actually be kinda rare now, well, offline that is. I think you can get them online at OK prices, I really should just look now, it wouldn't take long but I can't be bothered.

I really like the CRT I'm using, it hasn't got the best image quality out of the ones I own but it's the biggest and I think it may have the best sound quality... at least, it did at first. Recently the sound seems to be dying, I'm not totally sure what's happening, it's not that noticeable until the sound actually pops back into fully working. It's as if one of the speakers, maybe the left one, is gradually fading away and then it comes back. I actually managed to get it back by hitting the side a bit, but that only worked once or twice. At first I thought that literally the left speaker is dying, but then when I put my eyes to it, it is still working, it hasn't gone completely off. Also like I said, it's actually kinda not noticeable, it's not like sound is clearly only coming out of the right speaker. Anyway, wow, I will get to the actual show eventually.

I'm realising that this is the most boring stuff to read ever but it's OK, I'm doing this for me. Specifically this post feels like something I couldn't share anywhere else; Not even my mum or closest friends would be interested in this. I mean sometimes it's OK to share things with people which you know they aren't into, but not to this extreme, this is however just stuff I needed to get off my mind by writing here. It may partly just be because I haven't had many people to talk to since the virus got serious.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is still a good program, it was extremely popular at the time and I loved it back then just like a lot of people. I'd often see it considered to be the best TV show ever (I feel like I'm repeating myself, I may have said that the other day on here already). This virus hitting us has made me think about the past but I was already doing that obsessively before we even knew about Covid-19, so I don't know why I just said that. Time passes, tastes change and shows are forgotten, I'm pretty sure not many care about Buffy anymore and why should they? One could argue why it's unimportant or why it's important but ultimately it's not important compared to most things simply because it's just a TV show. However, for me, I needed a break from reality and a (possibly unhealthy) deep dive into the past in-which I kind of pretend I'm younger and re-live my past watching Buffy.

Nostalgia isn't new to me (there's a joke there somewhere) but it's always been video games nostalgia for me, even though that's mostly involved read, writing and watching stuff on them rather than actually playing them. This is however something I've been trying to remedy, just before the virus I did start playing games again, mostly old ones, after I realised one day that I barely actually played games anymore. Even now, getting back into playing them, I've found that I can't play them for that long but that's OK, people change and it's certainly not a bad thing not being addicted to a consumer hobby. I still adore them so that's what's important. When I said read and write earlier, I was mostly referring to the fact that I run a games quiz once a month in a kind of pub quiz style locally, I've been doing it for about three and a half years. It has of course been cancelled lately due to the virus, I don't think I've ever cancelled it before. Hopefully it'll return soon.

That was ANOTHER tangent! I'll get to the point - Watching Buffy is the next level of nostalgia hit for me, oh god I make it sound like a drug. In my life, I rarely bother to re-watch even my favourite films and TV shows. I'm not sure why that's the case but that may be changing because it's quite a nice feeling. I just remembered I have done it a tiny bit before - I re-watched all of Seinfeld, I love that show and have seen every episode at least twice, some three times. However I do have to remind myself not to accidentally revise my old history, I think I didn't actually watch Seinfeld until way after the entire series had finished and I'm actually struggling to remember when that was, but it was definitely way after I'd finished Buffy. Seinfeld was partly one of those weird cases where it was nostalgic to watch it even though I didn't experience it when it was new. I'm not sure if there's a word for it but it's that feeling you get if you watch something from a year you liked, say 1994 but you didn't actually watch it back then. So you're experiencing something you missed out on, plus that thing of course has elements from 1994. Actually even though it's not important, I want to point out that Seinfeld isn't a good example of this when it comes to me, because I don't think I actually was in that frame of mind when I watched it. I don't think I was all that obsessed with nostalgia at the time, I just found it really funny. Actually come to think of it, watching that first season may have been the first time I had that "new-nostalgia" (for a lack of a better word) feeling. I didn't get it after that but that first, short season was so incredibly 90's (even though it was '89) to me that it struck me pretty hard. Perhaps because then and even know, I rarely watch old stuff, whether or not I'd seen it before didn't matter. That's a shame because even not including nostalgia or new-nostalgia, it can be fascinating to watch old TV and films, they're a glimpse into the past and also I sometimes find it amazing how differently stories are often told.

I honestly really do like Buffy even though it looks like I don't because I keep ending up talking about something else! Also it's almost midnight and I wanted to watch some more of it before bed! By the way I'm currently only half-way through season 2 so I have a long way to go, I also, unsurprisingly, will watch Angel as well. Oh I wanted to say a few more things about my history with the show - I might be forgetting some things but I'm pretty sure I didn't watch all of it on TV, I only watched it in it's entirety when I friend of mine called John lent me the box-sets. I'm temped to say DVD's but actually I think they were those big chunky VHS ones. Wow I might be wrong but I suddenly remembered that I may have borrowed them before the series actually ended, so I watched them to catch up and then finished the series on actual TV. It finished on May 20, 2003 so that would mine up with me working in CeX with John... I think?

It was about a week ago when I started season 1, I watched 2 episodes and then I thought it would be a good idea to find a podcast where they go through reviewing each episode. I haven't found any that tickle my fancy yet but one of them (I think) said that season 1 is considered bad, and then I started watching a video by a fan and he said it IS bad. I think he did anyway, I was tired so my memory isn't good for that night. Anyway the important thing is that I hadn't considered this new before, it reminded me that shows, even good shows, often have bad first episodes or even first seasons. I'm pretty easy going though, for example I think season 1 of Star Trek: TNG is good even though it's widely considered bad. Perhaps it often happens with mega popular shows because, well, they get popular through being good and being good means it got better and became more popular. So in retrospect a lot of people view earlier episodes negatively. Did that even make sense? Anyway I usually don't feel this way, I often like early episodes and take them on their own merits.

Season 1 is already hazy to me which is not a good sign, haha. I DO take it all in though, I don't just mindlessly watch things, I promise. I'm half-way through season 2 though and I'm finding that I remember its episodes from back in the day a lot better than season 1 episodes. As soon as say, a couple new characters appear on-screen in '2x07 - Lie to Me', I remember them and then soon after I clearly remember the story for the episode. Might not sound like a big deal but I didn't get that much in season 1. Don't get me wrong, like I said, season 1 is good but the story doesn't really get rolling until season 2. I mean Spike, who becomes a very important character in both this and Angel isn't even in it until the cliff hanger at the end of the entire season.

I have to be really nit picky to find faults with season 1 so here goes - By mid-season 2 Xander isn't important story-wise and I don't remember him ever getting that important in the entire show (though I may stand corrected later). But he is important to the flow of script because even though all the characters are sometimes comical, Xander is usually the only one intentionally trying to be funny within the actual universe of the show. I'm sure some hate him but he's often got some good jokes and I do find myself doing a little chuckle now and again. That episode 1 of season 1 though, oh boy, his lines are bad. He just kinda says stuff, reactions to what the others are saying and they don't make sense. At first I was like oh god is this what this entire show is like, and my memories of this being good are going to be shattered? It was OK though, he improves quickly after the first episode. The character are only just meeting each other anyway, so you should give them some slack... I guess. The thing is I remember when this show was contemporary, a mate of mine called Paul D. didn't like the show and commented on the script. I can't quite remember but he said something along the lines of it being cocky, American teen jokes that were annoying. We usually had similar tastes so that stuck with me to this day for some reason.

More on season 1 - This is definitely something I'd never thought of before and it's really minor but Alyson Hannigan as Willow is kinda acting badly... maybe? I'm no expert. Basically the character is so one note, her profile must have been "Nerdy, Computer nerd, Shy, Nerdy" which translates into her simply being self-deprecating and lightly spoken all the time. That's literally all she does, the tone of her voice is to softly speak and that's it, nothing else. It kind of hides most of her emotions in the season. She does get better in season 2 though and Oz is slowly being introduced. You can tell the writers had to doing something with her character by bringing in a dramatic love interest, I say dramatic because Oz is a werewolf and I look forward to the stories about him because I can't remember them, all I remember for now is him being locked in cages a lot. That's all I can think of when it comes to bad things in season 1, the rest is fine.

Stepping back a bit, I want to comment on the show in general and what it's like to watch it in 2020. I'm still in its first year of existence, 1997, that's 23 years ago! I'm so old, sad face. It's not widescreen, that's a thing. I don't mind this and it's probably a nostalgia thing again but I like it, it's a different experience. One thing I can imagine that's lost to time is how different this show was, it broke so many narrative conventions. I'm not going to do the right thing and list them all, I'm too tired for that, instead I'm going to say the cliche one that everyone used to say - It subverts your expectations. It probably isn't appreciated now because so many films and shows did it after Buffy, that we've possibly gone through a couple of trope generations since then. However I reckon Buffy started the trend in the first place. The first scene in episode 1 is a simple but perfect example of this - A couple break into a school at night and are gonna make-out or bang or something, the dude acts tough and his girlfriend is scared and acts vulnerable. What was expected in TV and film at the time, especially horror themed ones, was that a monster or killer of some sort would appear, kill the guy and run after the girl.  The girl would run around screaming, possibly get away if this was the end of the story (this is known as the Final Girl, it's a classic trope, look it up) or get killed if it's the start. Then someone else would investigate. Or, knowing this is about vampires, it would be revealed that the boyfriend is a vampire and he'd drink her blood. But instead, the girl turns around and it turns out she was pretending the whole time, shes the vampire and she kills him.

From then on, the show often uses stereotypical scenarios to surprise you with twists. For example there's an episode which seems like it's going to be about your typical evil ventriloquist dummy but it turns out he's a good guy demon hunter, who got trapped in the dummy by a curse. The only problem is we live in the year 2020 now and I when I wrote the word 'twist' I felt like it was a negative thing. We are perhaps now in an era where many are sick of twists, do we currently just want well told, solid stories that don't relay on twists? Perhaps but I'm no storytelling expert, it was just a thought and I still find this Buffy stories great. I even forgot the ventriloquist one so the twist worked on me.

It's being very picky but I guess the only slightly dated thing in Buffy is other story telling elements, besides the cool original ones like the subversion of expectations. Perhaps something that didn't stick out then but does now is the episodic feeling of the entire show. Now I want to say that I'm totally fine with it, in fact it's kind of refreshing after seeing how so many modern shows do it. Let me explain - It can be more complicated than this but basically the A story and the B story are often reversed nowadays. Take Game of Thrones (which finally ended some months ago), There's an overarching story for a season, this is the focus of every episode, this is the A story and it takes up most of the time in that episode. Then the B story could be say, 30% of it and it's a short story which only happens in that one episode. It could give depth to a character and add to the main A story, but it essentially ends in that episode. I first noticed this structure years ago in the TV show called Lost, yeah, remember how popular that was?

Shows didn't used to be like this, the self-contained story which is only for one episode in Buffy is actually the A story, then the over arching story which is gradually told over the season and ends at the end of that season is the short B story. In fact the B story could be as short at 10% of that episode. It's probably because tastes change plus show we accessed TV was different back then. It's easier to access now and we don't mind long stories which span an entire season, or even entire show in Game of Thrones case. But in the old days you'd often just turn on the TV and watch whatever was on, you couldn't choose to watch something anytime like on Netflix. So if you went to a channel and Buffy season 3 episode 9 was on and you didn't have a clue what was going on because you hadn't watched the first 8 episodes, you'd not like it and turn it off.

I'm going to have to continue this another day because I've been writing this for hours. I didn't even get to my point in the last paragraph and for all I know it's not making any sense because I'm now burnt out. Byeeeeee.

Empty Nottingham Streets and Searching for Meaning in my Life

Here is a picture of Hon-Fu which is totally unrelated to this post, I couldn't think of anything else and I didn't want to post a picture of a virus, Osmosis Jones or something lame like that. Here is Hon-Fu to remind future me to be happy and get back to things I like. Then again pictures on here are more likely to vanish than the text.

Here we are again and when I say we, I mean just me entirely alone on this quiet blog account.

Something incredible happened today; I jogged and partly walked through central Nottingham while a virus called Covid-19 has created a pandemic. I went to almost every part of  town that I know which admittedly isn't much. The amazing part was how dead it was, there were people on the streets but not many. I suddenly feel like explaining what's going on and going into detail about which stores are closed and which ones are open but are offering only take-away or delivery, but then what would be the point when everyone in the world knows about this virus, most places are experiencing the same things.

Then again, this blog is mostly for me to read months or years later, so perhaps I should remind myself of what happened. Nah, can't be arsed. Also this may all be over really soon, then how silly will I look after taking it so seriously. It feels like a massive change to the world but this is nothing in comparison to many things including wars. Oh shit, restaurants, gyms, pubs have almost entirely closed down?! What about places of war or poverty where you're lucky to get some mouldy bread and diseased water today. Originally I was only going to the park so I was in tatty clothes but I just didn't care anymore, so the people who were there and in town saw me that way.

It's the early 90's on a Sunday in Harrow where I used to live, the streets are eerily quiet but I liked it. I don't recall this lasting, it wasn't long before Sundays became like any other day. Some years later I'd be working in CeX and Sundays were just like Saturdays by then, I guess those empty Sundays were the left-overs of a perhaps more religious era, the day of rest and all that. Today felt a bit like that day, decades ago, perhaps it'll be memorable to me or maybe this virus will last ages, so any day I go out will be like this. Feelings are confusing, even though I've been feeling isolated, alone, I did enjoy the empty-ish streets, due to the fascination of it all. Actually perhaps it's just novelty. I feel alone? Jeez this could only be the beginning, I could be like this for a long time.

When the virus started to freak people out, it worried me how quickly people became obsessed with it, but even though people are still taking it seriously, I'm seeing them doing and talking about other things already, while I on the other hand have become the obsessed one. I can barely function, all I can think about is the virus but guess what, it's not getting sick that I'm mostly worrying about, it's more the physiological effect it's had on me. A lot has been confusing me but I've been trying to figure it all out. The main thing on my mind at the moment is the possibility that the virus has revealed that my life is a farce.

Take away the cafe, gym, Circuit Training class and the video games quiz I do, and I have nothing left. The farce part of it comes from the idea that these things were perhaps unimportant anyway. The virus changing my lifes landscape shines a light on how important these things were to me. I already deeply miss them which makes me stop and think that is quite possibly stupid. Maybe not stupid, more like unhealthy to put so much importance on such things. It's hard to explain.

It's the little things in life that are important, right? These things are the little things, I guess? So why am I now thinking they might not be important? It might have something to do with the people at most of these places being complete strangers, some friends are at the quiz and the class but they aren't as often as the others listed. I spend a lot of time in cafes and the gym, being around people makes me feel less alone but is that healthy? It could be a kind of delusion, a kind of way I trick my brain into thinking I am a part of a group.

I can't help but write this blog thinking someone may actually read it, so I should point out that I have been watching a lot of videos on philosophy over the past couple of years, the ones on the Academy of Ideas YouTube page. One thing that comes up a lot is our dependence on others, how they view and judge us, this is considered a bad thing. It's complicated and I couldn't explain it here but basically the idea is that a lot of misery comes from our strong desires to fit in, so we act like they want, not how we actually want to be.

I've gradually come to the realisation that I'm a victim of this, I've slowly changed over, come to think of it, about 16 years. I unfortunately have other issues but let's stick with just one for now. So being forced into having less human contact is tugging harder than usual on that natural part of my brain that needs human contact. Some of the philosophy videos could be misunderstood as saying we should be loners, to be fair some pretty much do say that but usually the main point is that we should make our own decisions and not go along with everyone else like sheep.

That may seem obvious but when I've spent time thinking about it, it was scary how often I realised so many of my decisions are made because I figured others would approve. So much so that it's hard not to think like that, I honestly think it's been so long that I've been conditioned. For anyone, the longer it goes on, the more you stop knowing what you actually want anymore, and I mean really WANT in life. Now, perhaps this is just me, perhaps you and many others are totally fine and make your own choices. In that case good for you but I'm currently totally fucked. Best case scenario I'm very wrong but I'm quite sure I'm not and if I am, it still means there's something else wrong, because clearly something is not right.

All of this could possibly be boiled down into a problem I realised I had years ago - I don't know what I want. Typing that out makes it look like a minor thing but it is terrifying. It is partly connected to ambition, do I have none now? That brings in a whole host of other emotions. Have my past failures like my University Degree killed my ambitions? It certainly feels that way.

I'm finishing now, this post went off on a tangent, kind of. It was supposed to be about the streets of Nottingham in this current crisis we find ourselves in. I guess I didn't have as much to say about them as I thought, I did have something else I wanted to talk about but I'll leave that till tomorrow. It's about how I think I should stop using YouTube and social media so much, I'm writing this here to remind myself tomorrow!

Art by Click Burgundy (aka hungry_clicker) - Who is a master, by the way.

I cannot figure out why all of this post is highlighted in white. Whatever. This post is from my Facebook page about a month, I'm posting it because I think it'll be preserved here better and not get lost like it will on FB. I mean, my old posts on FB probably will stick around for a while but I dunno, this kinda post feels like the sort I want to do on Blogger. I feel like this should have been posted here in the first place.

For some reason the new Seth resonates with me.

I don't play SFV but Seth's return kinda makes me want to play it. References to JoJo, Demitri from Darkstalkers and other Capcom fighters, the original voice actor who has somehow gone from meh to nostalgic for me. I spent a large chunk of my SFIV days playing as Seth, looks like he plays differently but my god he looks mental.

I like the fact that Juri accidentally put him into a Bison doll after his body was destroyed in SFIV, so he's now a buff women with a mans voice. I hadn't thought about it before but he's essentially an AI personality plopped on top of a program which copies other fighters moves. So he now has Dissociative Identity Disorder, constantly reminding himself "I am Seth!" and getting confused. Also there's a soulless computer voice when he does (at least) one of his special moves. The kind you hear on countless sci-fi, normally coming from the ships computer. It's cliche but I'm a sucker for them. I never thought the dumb looking boss from SFIV could get interesting, in a way the new design is ridiculous but they go so far that, for me, it goes all the way around to being cool again.

Also... Venture Brothers and that Batman TAS Talia episode, anyone?