This end up having nothing to do with Buffy

I missed the chance to use this image in my first Buffy posted it could have been more fitting because it's the season 1 DVD cover. Actually I could just go back and change it couldn't I, but can't be arsed. Also I'd have to change some text. I wanted to still use it because it feels iconic to me.

My Day

Today was another day in our new reality which came about due to the virus, and yes I rarely called it Corona or Covid-19 anymore because it sounds more dramatic saying just 'the virus'. I feel like I'm getting a little more used to my new routine, though what I really should be doing is getting used to the idea that routines are sometimes bad because life doesn't stay the same. This virus has proved that and I'm not the only one who has started to contemplate this.

Today and yesterday went very fast, mostly because I've been getting up gradually later and later. I need to stop this because I don't have much time to so anything and I have less time to go out while it's warm. I went to the park today and randomly decided to learn how to hand-stand. I can't do it of course and but I was fairly happy with my slight progress in the measurement of staying on my hands for a second or two longer than when I started. So my record is probably only something like three seconds but really that time is just managing to fall slower than before. However after this, I decided to hand-stand against a tree, I figured this would help me get used to being upside down and give me confidence later with the free hand-stands. At first I couldn't do it, kind of throwing my back towards the tree felt scary plus I was a bit tired from the normal hand-stands. But with my problems in life, my stress, anxiety and the virus making things worse, I really pushed my self and was just like 'fuck it'. I managed to push through and I did it, I got upside down, even managed to do it a couple of times. This is was massive achievement for me, the feeling of accomplishment was immense.

It may have been an important moment for me. I think I've wasted so much of my life, from about my mid-twenties till now, I'm almost forty so that's over ten years. I'm trying to figure it out in my head right now - It's the internet, that's what I've been wasting my time with. Not video games, the internet. Maybe a tad bit of TV, I'll throw that in there. The thing is, I don't have much regret about those things, especially video games. I have fond memories of playing them and they led to the majority of the jobs I've had over the years, they also led me to meeting my best friends, then and now.

So what do I mean by 'the internet'? The thing I'm realising now, which is quite possibly true, is that the internet is a wonderful source of information but I've become addicted to it while not using that information for practical uses. So I'm not saying the internet is an evil thing, what's happened is my own fault. There are many things you can do with your days which aren't productive but those things are more obvious than the internet. I'll be sitting online reading about interesting history or reading guides on something, it'll feel more like I'm achieving something than say, watching TV. It's deceptive or rather, it deceived me anyway. I guess it's a bit like those old depictions of "nerds" who spend all their time reading in libraries, sure you learn stuff but you're not actually doing much. If there was video footage of it, it's just someone sitting there looking at a book, in my case (and I'm sure others) a screen. This could also be extended to the current worries that many people have in the world that lots spend too much time looking at their phones.

Really there's not much difference, you could be looking at something quite insightful on your phone but you still could be doing something more productive instead. Though with phones you're more than likely not looking at something educational, it'll probably be messages from mates. It all depends on time, all these things are fine in moderation, I think my addiction to the internet has been a gradual thing. I'm old enough to have been around when it became common place, I vaguely remember things like eBay and Google starting off, I was an early adopter and was lucky enough to be in a household who got the internet at home fairly early.

Then the second big great / awful thing came into existence; YouTube. This, being a part of the internet of course, is just an extension to my addiction, but I think it made things worse. Not only did it continue the false feelings of achievement but also added a 'living vicariously through others' factor to my life. This is a concept I've known about for a while but didn't think about it much and I don't think I ever thought I'd be a victim of it. However I recently realised that it's possibly what I'm doing almost all of the time when I'm watching YouTube. I don't mean I pretend I'm the people in the video but it is kind of along those lines, it's more of a subconscious thing. It really hit home for me the other week when after deciding to get back into drawing, I found a show on YT called The Drafsmen Show, or something like that. It's really good, it feels me with positively but I watched all twenty nine episodes and the episodes are long by the way. I spent many hours watching it, plus I've spent many hours in the past watching tutorial videos on several subjects on YT.... INSTEAD of actually doing those things. Tutorials are fine, they're good, but only if you put them into practice. I realise I usually don't so why do I feel like I've accomplished something? I think it's because I'm sort of living vicariously through whoever is on the screen or even just the stuff that's being produced on screen. I think a part of my subconscious is happy with seeing tutorials, thinks "yeah, I could do that" and then moves on, it doesn't actually need to practice them. Basically I've been fooling myself and I'm an idiot for not realising it sooner.

If anyone is reading this you may be thinking I'm over thinking this, that may be true but that doesn't matter because the result is the same - It could be simplified into a form of laziness, if others have experienced this same thing as me, they may have just labelled it as laziness without knowing how they got there and that's fine.

Anyway I was going to talk about Buffy but I've been writing for almost an hour and I want to go and actually watch it. My plan is go to bed earlier tonight, get up earlier and get more done tomorrow. I started writing the amount of time I spend on each thing in a notebook, in the hope that it'll help me become more productive.