Facebook

I've realized that I only feel like writing on this blog when I feel sad and depressed. This post is another one, though, it's not going to be as negative as the last one. An entry that I just read and was quite shocked at how utterly bleak it was. Nothing much has changed since that entry, but I guess I'm not feeling quite as bad as I was then.

This blog has been neglected due to my dicovery of Facebook. I kept hearing about it and getting invites, at first I ignored them, but I eventually gave in and joined. I thought it was just going to be another one of those sites that I would join, use three times, and then would leave to gather dust. I also only joined it for a small superficial reason, that ended up defunked anyway. But Facebook has turned out to be entertaining and somewhat addictive, only time will tell if this will last, but it's certainly not just another Flickr photo scorage site that I thought it was going to be. I'm not going to tell you about what it does and how it works though, I can't be bothered. I'm not writing this entry for that reason, I'm writing it to get off my chest what Facebook has done to be, or rather, how it's effected me.

So first of all, the stuff that I find boring to write, also known as the positive things; Facebook has very suddenly given me contact with many old friends that I'd lost touch with. When I say old friends, I should really just be saying 'my' friends, because they are my only friends, there are no others. I've lost touch with almost all of my friends, which I have probably mentioned in an older post. So it's great to get a chance to see them again, I've already met up with one that I probably hadn't seen in at least three years. The funny thing is that Facebook makes people want to communicate with each other, even though a lot of these old friends did in fact already have alternative means to contacting me. What I'm trying to say is that many of us have friends numbers, but can't be bothered to use them, but without Facebook, I don't think we would have bothered to arrange a big get together tomorrow. Damn, I can't explain myself, nevermind, on to the next thing.

Now on to the crappy stuff. Facebook relies heavily on photos, everyone uploads photos and they almost always have real names on them. No longer are people hiding behind screen names, they also seem to be happier to share their not so great photos with the world. This is all great, but damn, looking at all those old photos can be depressing! My old mates have loads of photos of the 'good old days', something that I don't posses, due to the that I don't really ever use a camera. I'm trying to make it a habit it now, because I'm now realizing how important it is to hang on to these memories. I'm annoyed at myself for not realizing in the past how important some events and places were. So many things happened which I just did, and didn't think for a second that it would have been nice to have a photo of it. So at least others like Alan C. had the foresight to take loads of random photos 10 years ago. Or maybe that's a bad thing, because most of them bring up that question again that I always ask my self; Am I as happy as I used to be?

The answer is usually no, even when I take the factor of past glorification into account. I'm looking at photos of past places that have been replaced by crap. I'm looking at groups of great friends that no longer exist. I don't blame myself for most of these occurrences, but I still should have kept in better contact with these people. When I think about the bits that I do have control over, I suddenly wonder how the hell I got to where I am now. I chose a road that was supposed to lead to a happier, more fulfilled life. I remember feeling right about these major decisions when I made them, like slacking at work, like going back to college, trying to make new friends, ending a relationship, and going to university. They seemed so right at the time, but now they almost entirely seem wrong.

Seeing a lot of those Facebook photos makes me glum, but I'm glad they're there. I've dug up the few photos that I have, and I'm going to scan them so that I can but them onto Facebook. Doing this lead me to looking through said old photos. I was surprised with what I found, many of them are of my x girlfriend, I'd forgotten they existed. These photos probably won't be going up on the site. They involve two very happy looking people, a guy and a girl in love. When I looked at these pictures, I suddenly remembered those times quite vividly. I could remember what old clothes felt like on my skin, and I could remember what it was like to live somewhere else. I remembered what it was like to be with Jackie back then when I lived at Paul's house. I wasn't there for very long, and I wasn't in the place after that long either, but I think they were the times Jackie and I were the most happy. It's crazy to look back now at the relationship as a whole. What I mean is that it's crazy to think about how it went all wrong, I can't point out the exact moment it started to fall apart. I think it was my fault, I think I could have prevented it if I'd been more loving. I didn't realize at the time how happy she had made me, I'd completely forgotten how depressed I was when I was alone. I was so lucky to have such beautiful and funny girlfriend, I should have stayed with her forever. I foolishly thought I'd be happy by myself, it's utterly terrifying and painful being alone. The photos really reminded me of what it was like to be with with her. But shes now with someone else, and I no longer remember what it's like to be loved. Actually no, I do remember what it was like, which makes it worse. I am no longer loved, it's all gone. I'll never be in those photos again, that me is gone, a distant, fading memory.

I hope I'll meet someone else, but I'm an ugly, weird person who only Jackie liked and understood. I can't see how anyone else could bare to be with me. I wish I could go back in time and just re-live the past over and over again, because I have no future here.