My head hurts. I touched something on the toilet seat that felt nasty, there was no soap, so I sprayed a little Flash bleach on my hand. I can't seem to get rid of the smell, it feels like it's melting my brain.
I'm almost definitely going to move out. The small problems in the place I live in have built up so much, that they are now driving me insane. I live with a bunch of crazy, loud, moronic convicts, I can't bare it anymore. They have all somehow managed to sneak in their girlfriends, now they seem to live here. The house is crowded, there's even a crying baby, I hate babys. I might store most of my stuff somewhere, and move into a very small, cheap room. I feel good about the idea of saving money, instead of seeing it continue to disappear into my selfish, tosser of a landlord.
University is very good, and horribly bad at the same time. The positive side is that I am learning things. The negative side bares many faces; I've only just found out that learning skills isn't easy. I used to think that you knew when you where learning something. That you'd somehow feel your brain growing bigger. It's true that yes, I can see that I'm using my brain more now, but I don't think you really see that you've learned anything until you look back years later. I also sometimes get this feeling that I'm wasting my time, that I've chosen the wrong course, or the totally wrong route. I'm studying animation, a subject that's under the huge, overcrowded umbrella of art and entertainment. Many students start at this University at 18 or 19, after they pass or fail, many of them go on to working in dull shops, with low salarys. I'm a lot older, and I feel like I'm doing this the wrong way round, I've already worked in God-awful shops. I dread the thought of finishing this course, close to 30, and not knowing or having anything useful to do. All I'll have is an animation degree and a CV filled with a couple of crummy jobs that I did many years prior.
Did I mention that studying isn't easy? Oh yes, I did, didn't I. I find myself not enjoying it, which I think, is a major problem. I'm learning that to be any good at animation (or anything as a matter of fact), you have to be hard working, to a level of obsessiveness. Or least, I will have to, if I want to achieve anything worth while. Others, that are younger than me I might add, seem to breeze through things that I find almost impossible.
Thats enough about Uni. No wait, there isn't anything else! I don't do anything else, unless you count watching TV and... I was going to say play video games, but to be honest, I hardly even do that much anymore. I do plan to post a little about a game I've been playing recently though.
My life doesn't feel right at the moment. Some things missing. It may have something to do with the fact that I've deglected my friends for years now, so it's come to a point where only one ever calls me. I try to socialise with people in my University class, but it doesn't work out for some reason. My animation comrades are alright people, but there seems to be something missing. I hate to say it, but I think it may be compassion, they seem selfish. They're friendly, but it feels like you're talking to one of those store workers who are forced by their managers to smile and act nice. No actually I take that all back, instead I'll go for the paranoid route, they don't like me. I say this, because they are nice, but only to each other, not to me. If I don't say anything, or don't force myself into conversation, they'll totally ignore me.
My love life is also totally non-existent, since I lost the only non-related person who ever loved me. The only person who ever understood me, and for some reason, liked me for what I am.
So now I lay here, naked, on a tip that used to be my room. No one ever comes here so theres no point in cleaning up. My friend Amit sometimes comes over, all I do then is stick everything into Tescos bags and hide them. I have dreams and aspirations, mostly involving becoming successful enough to buy my own place, buy video games and play them without feeling guilty, and invite my old friends over to rekindle our relationships. When I was working in the CEX games store, all I wanted was to be creative. Now that I have that chance, all I want is money, so that I can secure my life without having to depend on my mum, loans, and have to watch every penny I spend.
I really thought I'd have more positive things to write about in this entry. I have been drawing more, but I'll still never be as good as 80% of those bastards over on deviantart.com. All of whom seem to be about 21, and on level with Picasso.
My head feels a little better now, I must have converted bleach into angst.
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